Missing Laziness

I cannot remember the last time I spent a day all alone, and lately my  house looks more like a train station waiting room than a home. Reason? Well, reasons, actually. The first one being winter. Approaching rapidly, bringing so many holidays (seriously, does any other country have this many? I sincerely doubt it.) and leaving my always nosy neighbours with nothing better to do but to pay daily visits to each other, including my mother who rarely goes anywhere so they feel obliged to do their best and drag her into that 'circle' of theirs. Luckily she works so they mostly come on weekends or in evenings of work days, but even that is too much. Unless one really wants to know everything, and literally EVERYTHING that has happened recently in our neighbourhood. I skip most parts, only allowing the deaths, births, weddings and divorces section to reach my mind. Gotta keep track of current neighbours.
The other reason are my students. Ah and that reason I don't mind at all! Giving private tuitions to a large group of kids seems to be the best decision I made recently. Since I started with private classes, I only took up to 5 kids at time. But keeping in mind that the elementary school in my vicinity has an uneducated and incapable English teacher, parents started calling me and now I am stuck with dozen kids aged 9 to 13, and each week I get one or two new ones so every day at least 2 kids come by for the hour and half of English.
And thank God most of them are really bright and want to learn. A few among them misunderstood private tuitions for killing time, and a few understood it as a way to improve grades easily, without actually learning, but coming here so I can prepare them for tests and do their homework. And there's one especially interesting boy, to whom I have difficulties explaining things in our mother tongue, let alone English. Others.. Others are just amazing kids that brighten up my days and make me proud of what I do.
With unknown children coming to our home and spending time with me, came another issue. My 3 year old nephew became seriously jealous. Each day, as soon as I walk into my room with a student, he starts crying and screaming and knocking at the door until his mother grabs him and takes him out for a walk or to her room, from where I cannot hear him calling and protesting. After each class, I come to him and try to hug him, but he tells me he is angry and pushes me away. Of course, I pretend to be sad and crying, so he gets all serious, comes to me and hugs me, so we kiss and make up.. And again, and again, each and every day...

Even on rare days free from teaching children, I am not alone. Either my uncle needs me and my mum to help with whatever, or some of my friends show up, or my sis in law needs to  go somewhere so I have to take her there ( note to self- burn your driving licence), or it is someone's birthday, or wedding, or whatever the case might be.. And this goes on for a couple of months now...

I just finished with classes for the day.. I walk into my living room with my student, a 9 year old girl, who is going to wait for her mother to come and pick her up. Two ladies from my neighbourhood are just in the middle of explaining something that happened and that they both have witnessed, but understood in different ways.. My mum nodding politely to both, probably thinking about all the things she planned to do tomorrow after work if she is lucky and these two don't come and visit again.. My nephew very angry at me and his mother, pulling her hair so she would let him go, which is a great risk since he could just try and hit the girl, who is the main reason I was away for so long.. The door bell rings.. My grandparents enter, came to see us, blah blah,  bought me and the boy our favourite chocolates (yes, I am a 28 year old woman and my grandparents still bring be chocolates. Problem?) Everyone greets them, so much noise at the time, now girl being interrogated by neighbours about her parents and grandparents, and boy happily screaming and yelling and no longer angry (candies make you forget everything, for sure), and my head starting to pulsate so I just sneak out to my room and open up my Milka, trying to empty my mind, to be myself, to be WITH ME finally.. And someone knocks at my door..

I just need one day for myself. Just to sit here in complete silence, staring at one spot for few hours, uninterrupted, and be my old lazy self for a while.. Doing that by nights does not count. It has to be during daytime to be recognized as genuine laziness. Anyway I cannot stay up late any more. My students keep me busy from early afternoon until evening so... God I hate growing up. 

A Random Cup Of Coffee

It finally happened few days ago. I finished my studies. All done, no more! And must admit I am still not completely aware of it.

Yeah, might not be such big a deal to all. But then again, to someone who failed at everything in life, to someone who never achieved anything without paying for it with rivers of sweat and tears, to someone who is a stupid whining lazyass.. This is an enormous achievement. A proof that good things do happen.
Don't get me wrong, I know life treats us all in different way and it cannot be a bed of roses to all. Also I am not complaining, I am just stating simple facts. And I probably feel happier after achieving this than people who had it all perfect all the time.
When we started studies, my school friend got an apartment. I lost my dad, my childhood, my innocence.
When she finished studies 4 years ago, she got car, a job and 15 days in Egypt from her family.
I almost fainted at the final exam 4 days ago. Got my mom's tears, a cake from my sis in law and a cup of coffee with my past that repeatedly tries to be my present and future.

Yep. Yet another guy.
He was my friend for a long time. That kind of friend that keeps on flirting with you and claims it was all a joke after you reject him. And he continues after a while. And so on. And so on.
I haven't seen him for 3 years. He moved away from our home town, got a job in Belgrade and rarely visited his folks. So I kinda.. forgot he existed. And yes I feel bad for saying this.

When the first member of our little 'gang' got married some 7 years ago, we were celebrating it drunk and me and another friend made a deal we have babies together if we are both single after 35. He got married some 4 years ago. And this guy.. The guy I met few days back.. He was like 'No way, you should not waste your genes on him. I am better looking, so we should have kids together. Just imagine them, with your brains and my looks, they will be perfect!' I laughed and said 'Ok, Ok, we will make a compromise. If we all are single by 35, I will have both your and his children. And think about it, he is ugly, at least I can do for his progeny is give them some brains, since yours will be successful even with just being good looking'...
And we all went our separate ways.
I sometimes meet others, but I completely lost him out of my sight. And then the Thursday comes..

I am walking towards my University building at 7 in morning, streets still sleeping and quiet and deprived of crowd.. And street car is coming from the opposite direction, being the only thing that spoils otherwise perfect silence. My exam starts at 9, but I arrived by night train so have to wait.. I am trying to figure out where I could go and have my morning coffee, my head is exploding since I haven't slept for a few days and haven't seen, smelled or tasted coffee for past 10 hours so am turning a bit aggressive as an addition to my common state of panic attacks, anxiety, nervous breakdowns and nausea prior to exams... And oh boy, you can imagine how serious this got thanks to the fact that I am about to take my final exam.
And the street car startles me with its siren. My aggressive self starts swearing in silence, and the tram stops right next to me, as if I was cursing out loud.. And the guy driving it jumps out and hugs me tight screaming HEYYY YOUUU!  WTF man? Who th.. Oh MY GOD! Is that really you?? I haven't seen you for ages!

Ok, I admit Belgrade is not some huge metro, but out of 3 million people, I ran into him, so many years later, and just before my exam. Oh well.. Bring it on..

So we talk for a moment or two and agree we should meet after my exam, when his shift also ends, and have a cup of coffee. I am still in my 'danger!' mood, still I manage to utter I will 'call him as soon as I am out' and blah blah blah.. being perfectly aware I will not call him as I don't have his number and.. I am in no mood for small talks and I know it will end with him flirting with me and me saying 'No thanks' and all that same crap...

So he goes away and I walk on towards my destination, forgetting I even met him the moment I entered the building. I went upstairs to check once more the schedule (paranoid or what), and walked out to find a nice spot for my long awaited coffee wake-up. But all of a sudden I get this.. crazy urge to pee, so I went back in, back upstairs to the 3rd floor.. And it was already 8:10 somehow, so I decided to just stay there and wait...
Five minutes before my exam I get a text from an unknown number saying 'I hope I will bring you some luck. Call me after you have nailed it!'
So it's him. And where the hell did he get my cell number, he had the old one, not this one? Nevermind, there she comes carrying my  destiny in her hands, saying 'Good morning!' so cheerfully it makes me want to puke all over the hall..

Just half an hour later I was done. And I am completely honest when I say I have no idea what happened during these 30 short minutes. All I know is, if someone had walked in and asked me about my name, I would have said it was 'Analysis'.

I somehow walked out, still not figuring out where I am and what happened, but my hand takes my cell out of the bag and dials a number.. ' All done here. Nailed it! When you finishing? 11? OK, meet you there at 11:15. See ya'

And so we had that coffee. And came to conclusions we are both same as we were few years ago, I am as gorgeous as always, he is as beautiful as I remember him, we are still immature, Oh, I had a long relationship that sucked all life out of me, 'Oh me too, and trust me I am done with that relationship crap, I cannot understand people who actually get married blah blah blah..'Just same things desperate single people with unsolved issues from the past would say to each other...
But he is not flirting with me in that childish, stupid manner he used to abuse for so many years, ever since we were 19 and drunk most of the time. We talk and talk for few hours, and we are really happy to see each other again.. Yes. I actually was glad to see him now. He did bring me luck, kinda...

So when will I see you again?

And I didn't just back down and make up some excuses, surprisingly.

'I am here on Monday again. So maybe then?'

-'Yup, perfect, same time then, but thank God you won't have an exam so no tension.. You seemed so angry this morning I regretted hugging you that same moment.'

So we meet again on Monday. Oh and we have a wedding to attend. The last member of our gang, my sweet ex-roommate is getting married next weekend. So we will go there as well, together, since all the other friends got husbands and wives to keep them company there. Now, are the two of us pathetic or all the others are.. Depends on your point of view.

And I am glad I got my friend back. Pure friend this time. No flirting involved. And the child deal? I guess we never even imagined we might really end up alone after 35. Now that we are almost 30, remembering that deal seems so scary. 

Sleepy Yet, Brains?

.. Pineapples started to give me some weird rash around my mouth. Just needed that.. An allergy to my absolutely favourite food.  Fell asleep at 11 this night, woke up hour ago hungry like a wolf and having only pineapples on my mind, when I saw one in the kitchen.. My bro came home while I was asleep, brought one pineapple for me, thought of surprising me with my No. 1 breakfast.. Couldn't resist it. Now my face burns.

Seems all things I couldn't resist lately leave me with pain and scars and.. umm.. rash I guess. Literally and figuratively speaking.

That dude left an allergy as well. If you count rage, tears and self- hatred into an allergy. And deep despise towards entire male population of this planet. And shame.

Why him again? Have no clue. I guess because I never talk about him with anyone. And I just remembered him so.. Have to let it out of my system.

Or because I am supposed to sleep since I have so many important things to do tomorrow morning, and my brains decided they need no sleep. So OK then, let's think about some random stupid guy who decided to play a bit with your feelings and managed to turn you into a monster, that same monster you always hated, that stupid girl in love.

God I hate that kind.


You know, the independent, smart kind that all of a sudden manages to fall for an absolute waste of time, falling so low in the process that she forgets who she is, where she is, and how to behave. She switches to sweettalks, pinkish fantasies, displays her emotions like a mad dog released from a chain straight to the abuser's leg, she dreams and loves and gives and believes all lies... Ahh despicable!

Now am fine, thanks. But remembering it all, I felt so ashamed I cannot explain it. Blushing over my own stupidity, with mouth hurting after a delicious and painful dinner, here I am, trying to force myself to sleep, thinking how is it possible someone changes you in an instant, thanking him for being an ultimate asshole so I came back to being me, and damn mosquitoes buzzing around my head creating what they probably believe to be a perfect setting for my weird stream of thoughts.

I really, really need some sleep.

And knowing me, am done remembering him for next 4 or 5 months. Hopefully I can forgive myself by then and there will be no reaction at all next time I remember him. Best medicine ever? Time. And determination. I have both.

It's just that my brains are malfunctioning sometimes and make me suffer for no reason whatsoever. Should have returned them while I still had the chance and asked for new ones.. 

And the Oscar goes to...

Well, me.

Who else.

Whoever wrote my part for this wild Sci-Fi, horror, romantic comedy, tragedy and action mash up, did a great job in making it hard like hell.. But I can handle it all..


Some time ago I gave one of my private tutions students a homework titled 'My Oscar Awards Speech'. The boy loves movies, is very creative and I knew it would suit him. He probably spent hours and hours of his life dreaming about it already, so thought it would bring out the best of his creativity and imagination. And it did. It was the best short story I have ever read that was written by a teenager.

Few days ago, at work, bored with the everyday routine, I started to think what kind of speech would I write in the given situation. Though the speech is not for a movie but for a serial still airing, titled 'My Freakin' Life', it would go something like this:

' Dear all, I will not waste your time by talking about how honoured I am to be here tonight, how happy and lucky to have lasted for so long, blah blah.. since the list of people to thank is very long, so let me just get to the point right now.

I'd like to thank first myself for not breaking apart when it would have been perfectly understandable.
Then I wanna thank my dad for charisma, sense of humour, sarcasm and fantastic ability to hide feelings.
I will next thank my mum for great hair, terribly sensitive skin and gorgeous eyes I got from her.
I also wanna thank my grandma for my name, bad language, big boobs, inclination to obesity and for being the shortest offspring of my family after her.
I have to thank my grandpa too, for not giving me a single gene of Montenegro women, who are famous for their beauty, tallness and attitude. I really needed these, dude.. I would have been at a beauty pageant right now if you were not so scrimpy.
I have to thank my maternal grandparents as well for trying hard to spoil me when all the others tried to raise me a decent child. And for my uncle, the one man I can argue constantly for  hours without a break, and without any hard feelings. He did a great job in replacing my dad at that field.
Then I must thank my childhood friends for still being here though I mistreated them all during my worst crisis. And I have to thank my recent friends for accepting me with all my downfalls  making me happy just by being here and being true.
Not to forget the fake ones as well, they taught me not everything that shines is gold, and you can never be old and wise enough not to misjudge some people. Fuck ya all and have a great life!
I have to thank my brother too, for patiently putting up with all the beating and mistreating while he was still small, and for not killing me when he finally grew stronger and taller than me. And I will thank him and my sis in law together for giving me my nephew, my most precious belonging up to this very moment.
I have to mention my neighbours as well- thank you guys for always knowing what I do, what I should, could or have to do, where I am, with whom, what I need, think, want.. even better and in more detail than I do myself. Really appreciate all the thoroughness.
And I'd like to thank whomever is responsible for designating the entire complex world of feelings, attraction rules, love, infatuation and, ahem, whatever else. Seriously thanks for that crap. As if life was not a complicated role without all that stuff.
And to the dude in charge of karma, fate and such stuff.. Well screw you as well! If you had to bring the wrong men into my life, at least you could have given me a hint about whereabouts of the right one, so I can at least have hope such guy exists, and stop wasting time on low-lives. And if you could have given me all the hard and sad situations to put up with, wouldn't it be logical if a reward was to be met after a while? A small one, just to catch my breath? Thanks!
Aaanyhow... I made it up to here. I handled my role somehow up to now. Hopefully will continue to do so in future episodes as well.  Thank you for this reward, really am flattered. Cheers!

...

Blindfolded and hands tied, it walked right by me, falling and getting up,
My heart.

There it was, exposed and barely breathing, for all to see
for all to mock
for all to point fingers at..

Throw stones at it, it deserves no better
for living a lie,
for loving a lie.
Throw stones and spit, hit with sticks,
it feels nothing anyway,
it might just as well die.
Only let me bury it with dignity
Right here, next to the road
So all that pass by can be warned
and never again tread the same path..

For this is the path of shame, where you hear no sirens or car
all you can hear is cry.. 

Sweet Oblivion

So many things I wish I knew how to forget.. They just wait for the right time to come back and torture me all over again.
For several nights now I've been experiencing the worst nightmares ever. I open my mouth wide, my teeth start to fall out one by one, and I hand them over to my dad. He is usually smiling and telling me how he's got to buy me fake teeth now because I look terrible.
Simple fear of getting old, my birhtday approaching? I just don't think so.

There are also some half monkey-half cat creatures trying to bite my fingers off and their bites don't even hurt but there is blood everywhere and I cannot seem to get rid of these monsters. Simple explanation- my cat just had babies and they started walking and crying so my nights are not exactly peaceful. And biting my fingers off.. I actually wish I could do it myself, since I cannot reverse time and prevent a facebook  disaster romance with a confirmed sociopath. It was supposed to be fun and getting my mind off my sad and crazy life, but it actually complicated everything even more.. Just my luck and there you go World, I said I am bad luck and you didn't believe.. Now you know.

So I woke up from the nightmare last night and suddenly remembered one confusing episode from my childhood.  I was eleven, just moved to a new school and one of my classmates started bullying me. She was tall, fat and strong, unlike me. She used to force me do her homework, mock me in front of our class, steal my poems and read them out loud so everyone laughed.. I was never as pathetic as I was at that time. Once she stripped me in front of all the girls during our P.E. hour. I started crying and told her: You will feel so bad when I die.. Of course she laughed again and continue bullying me. But in my own freaky little head I made myself believe I will die young. And I will die at 21 years of age. So there is me, 11 years old, convinced I will die soon because I was not made to sustain this world's cruelty.. No wonder I burned all the poems I wrote at that period of my life.

Ten years later I was still alive, with this episode and the fat girl bully far away behind me, but my dad died. And now, almost 7 years later, I remembered it all..
Was this all just a really scary coincidence or I somehow anticipated or even caused it? Yes it is silly to think I am responsible for what happened but what is this really?
Blaming myself for his death due to stupid childhood idea is really meaningless, but cannot sop thinking about it all day..

I usually play the blame game on my own self.. Whatever bad happens to me, I somehow find it my fault. It's either I should have known better or I could have reacted in a different way or I provoked it or I caused it.. But the truth is, some things just have to happen and you cannot do anything to change them. And sometimes such creepy coincidences will make you believe you are responsible. And they burn like scratches, scarring your soul for ever. But you have to accept it, I guess. And fight hard to forget it all.

One thing I learned, meeting all kinds of situations and two-faced people and sad events is: past has to stay past. If you allow a situation, a person, a painful reference to your past to enter and become a part of your present, it will screw up your future. If you remember something that hurt you in the past.. You have to get rid of it.

But again, that is so easy to say..

Like a lazyass

Facebook, today all day:
-It's raining again.. And it's really cold outside. That's why I am here all day.

And all the friends I chat with:
-Since when you stay in when it's raining?

Damn it.. All ya guys. I know, I know.. I used to love rain no matter how cold it was outside. Used to walk all day if I had nothing better to do. Like today. Like last month or so. Jobless sucks.
It just feels all my energy, enthusiasm, youth, joy, optimism... went down the drain. My bad, I quit in hope I will get a better one.. And I didn't. So here I am now, 2 weeks away from my final exam, jobless and mindless. And useless. Now that is the worst kind of feeling...
And all of the sudden, le wild mum appears in my room, asking me to go with her for a walk in the rain.. She has day off and wants to enjoy it a little bit. Damn it mum, I currently feel older than your grandmother and might as well admit I look that way too, also very busy feeling sorry for myself turning lazy and ridiculous.
-But hoooneyyyy!!... Sad face.. Childish mum.. Me still unwilling to lift my behind and get outta here..
-Sorry mum.. Some other day.. Am just not in mood right now. Ever. Something.

So she walks out and I go back to staring at that one spot at the wall I always abuse when in this state of both body and mind. Which actually doesn't happen that often, but when it happens, it really really hits hard.
I know she is worried now.. hate causing her worry.. But what else can I do? Usually I am the one who lifts up the Fallen ones.. Cheers up all and forces them to get -out -have -fun -smile -and -enjoy. Of course, when I am moody, noone can help. All give up after one try. And I actually like it. Just leave me the way I am and I will fix myself.
I am not waiting for miracle to happen, I am not asking 'Oh God, why all this shit happens to me, why am I this way now, when will all change..'' All will change when I get up and do something. Soon, I hope. I am just not in the right mood at the moment. And my moment might be.. umm.. just tiny bit longer than the regular one. 

How I Met My Soulmate

Kids... Well the story about soulmates is  probably best explained by Plato's theory about the original humans with four arms, four legs, one head with two faces, humans that were so powerful that they got Zeus intimidated so he split them in halves and condemned them to spending their lives here on Earth in search for their other half in order to become complete. And, according to some more beliefs and theories, these souls were of opposite sexes, of course.
After few disappointments and failures, I got really confused. First I believed my other half got lost on the way down to Earth. As Terry Pratchett perfectly explains it in his ''Sourcery'' regarding inspiration, when poor Creosote gets us familiar with his, um, well lame excuse for poetry, that inspiration is out there in air, but often misses to hit the right cerebral target, so instead of hitting someone tallented, the inspiration for a great poem hit him, who could do nothing about bringing it out the right way. Well that is exactly what I thought had happened to my soulmate.. And I started accepting the sad fact that it inhabits a random wooden bench in some long forgotten park of  a mental hospital in Switzerland, instead of a slightly tanned, muscular, tall and not much hairy male human body out there somewhere.
Then I thought '' No way i am that much of a bad luck. It is out there, just probably playing hide and seek or it is that great and perfect and amazing.. it just has to be hard finding it!'' So it was ''challenge accepted''.
So this last time I actually felt something for a guy.. I really thought ''Yes, this is IT. Finally!'' because he really was something else, you know.. Something I needed like I need air, something I loved more than myself.. Something that made me so happy in such a short time I was really scared it will end soon. And it did end. Why and how.. Maybe I better leave it in the fog. Still hurts and God knows when it will stop.
Now I finally gave up. I am not Ted Mosby, though I intentionally sound like him this time, and I do not believe there are no chances I will end up alone, and after all I went trough, I somehow believe I actually am supposed to stay on my own, and no man could just love me and accept me with all my burden.. Anyways I came to terms with it.
But then I remembered this one person I know and love so deeply, and I realized it's not about me.. It's just a slight mistake in the theory.. Soulmates don't have to be of opposite sexes or involved in a romantic love.. And yes I do have my soulmate.
Kids, I had friends and friends... And over time, I lost most of them. Many got married, few unfortunately died, and others... we just figured out we have nothing in common. So I was left with only a few close friends, still missing that one person that understands me without using a dictionary or even asking multiple questions to reach the root and reason of my current state of mind. And I found her by chance.
I was still recovering from my life's worst tragedies and I was suggested by my good friend and therapist to try social networks and games... And I did. And I met this charming lady, always so nice and sweet, and we started chatting more and more... I finally, after really long long time, opened up completely to another human being without listening being a part of her job and without me paying for it. And I am still not sure she knows just how much she helped me.
One day we decided to talk, to hear each other's voices for the first time. We spent 5 hours just laughing and crying, not saying much. And I was not at all surprised to hear her laughter. It is same as mine. My ex was in the room, so I asked him to hear her voice, and he smiled and said- you laughing in exactly the same way.. and your voices are similar. Wow! Think you found your twin sister. And boy was he right.
Soon it was impossible to imagine a day without saying hi to her. And soon I would come to find out we are both major bad lucks, so we started whining and crying to each other.. Well to be honest, I am the one that whines all the damn time. And I finally know what it's like to have a sister. I always wanted that. I abused my poor brother's mind for years, and he did same to me, me pretending he is my sister, him imagining I am his brother.. but it's just not the same really.. We couldn't say all to each other. At least I couldn't.
No matter how far and how busy life is, she is always there for me. And nothing helps like talking to her. Now, two years after we met, we are looking forward to meeting in person. As soon as I am done with my exams, I will search for a job in her country, in her city. And will pray hard my bad luck sleeps until then, so my plane does not crash or zombie apocalypse starts or aliens abduct me for research on female stupidity and naiveness...
So kids.. Love comes and goes. Some lucky ones find their eternal love and spend their happily ever afters just the way fairytales suggest they are supposed to be. Many more live in a lie that their love life is a fairytale and that occasional murder attempts are just.. tiny misunderstandings. Some of us, like me, the female Rincewind, good for nothing and constantly confused,  never find the one to love and cherish until death do us part... But at least I was lucky to find that special someone I will always be able to share my sorrows with, and hope and pray we share happiness instead. Thank you for being my soulmate, jaan. In all the chaos that currently represents my life, I am still a very happy person. I have you.

Smile, spring is here

Good morning, spring! Finally.
Each and every year I just try to live trough winter.. Season I used to adore. And now I hate it with all my heart. Must be due to the inevitable ageing process...
Noone can ever convince me that the World will not end this year. Why? Ok, have you been outside these days? Especially if you are in Serbia.. A month ago temperatures were below -20 degrees Celsius. Now they are around +25. Normal? Yep. Not at all.
Of course, I am sick, my nose is running like mad, fever and headache keeping me awake. I just cry and whine. And a wild thought appears out of nowhere..

I am 28 and I spent at least 4 years of my life just crying about being sick.

That has to stop right away.

So I am going out today. Taking my nephew to my favorite place around here- a nice, calm, beautiful forest.
Hopefully he will like it as much as I do. And, once he is older, it will be his hideout, a place where he will build his first fortress, bow and arrow, kick asses of neighbourhood boys.. No wait.. that was me.. He will kick girls probably.. Ah who am I kidding? It's been years since any kid went there to play. Why would they anyways? They got PCs now. Poor creatures..

Well... I will just hope and pray he has a great childhood, just like his aunty and dad had.. This place is perfect for raising kids. Still is.
Off to embrace spring. Soon enough I will get busy with my garden too. So many things to keep my mind away.. Thank God.

Some photos I took last spring and summer.

Just a regular day of mine.. Kinda..

I have just a few relatives here in my home place, and we are all very close due to that fact.  They are mainly from mom's side of family. Dad's family is mostly from and in Montenegro. So my two closest relatives after my brother are my two cousins, sons of my maternal uncle, boys aged 18 and 16.
On 2nd of April is the older one's 18th birthday. And that is one hell of important day here. That is when you turn to adult. Well, legally you do, what goes on in your head is a different story alright. I am still far away from that moment and really happy for that.
Last night he called pretty late to ask me accompany him today all bloody morning and help him arrange all for the party. And main reason for this is a law here, where a young, fresh driver cannot drive without a supervision of someone who owns driver's licence for at least 4 years. And well, you cannot expect a young man to ask his dad to go with him. No ways.
So I accepted and went to bed same moment. Needed to get up really early. But of course, got my headache back. Just cannot get rid of headaches for past week or so. And I fell asleep around 4 this morning.
And just few short hours later, he storms into my room screaming ''Get up lazyass, we are in a serious hurry here!''
Allrighty. Here we go.
''Hold on dear, lemme just pick up my body parts n we are on our way. Now go tell your aunty to make us some coffee''
-''No time for coffee, we will have coffee in town somewhere, COME OOONNN!!''
Damn.
Alright.
So I get up, eyes still closed and crawl to the closet to pick up some clothes. And I forgot to mention me and my sister in law sometimes borrow each others clothes. Just like two little girls. She borrows my 'serious' stuff for serious and official occasions, and I borrow hers for well.. walks with friends. She is all girly and pinky and shiny type of girl so.. You can imagine her stuff.
I grabbed first stuff I reached and went to take shower. Still sleepy, no coffee to wake me up, I somehow managed to get ready in 10 minutes and we were on our way.
Half way to the town, some 3 kms, he tells me main entrance to it, the bridge, is closed for some works. I suggested taking some of other 3 possible ways, but he insisted we leave car some 1 km away before town because it is the shortest way and his car is in pretty bad condition so he is scared to go in the town since it is Saturday and road repair in progress so police will be more present than on any other day. Ahh alright, as you wish.
And we did as he wanted. So, finally almost awake, I found myself walking, actually running trying to catch up with my cousin. Oh and did I mention that this boy is 6 ft 6 (202cm) tall and still growing? God knows where he will stop. And I am 5 ft 3 (164cm), the shortest offspring of my entire family, so obviously my legs are significantly shorter. And, since we were in a hurry, he was walking really fast. And talking to himself, thinking he is talking to me, only realizing I am far behind when he wouldn't get a response, so he would stop and wait.  You can tell we are related, indeed.
So half running half walking, trying to catch my breath, I became aware I am not wearing a bra. And I am actually wearing my sister in law's pink T-shirt with Minnie Mouse application all over it, with no makeup whatsoever, not even some protection for my hypersensitive skin and sun is shining like crazy, so I am turning red and face already burns, and I am wearing my tights and sneakers, and I obviously forgot to wear socks. To cut it short, I look like hell. I wouldn't ever leave my room looking like this, let alone go book a cafe and DJ for the party, and shop entire morning.
Well there was no way back, so I was just 'ah what the hell, as if I care' and continued running.

After we finally reached our first destination for the day, and successfully completed the task, I started caughing like crazy, in the middle of the street, as the consequence of early morning run and few months of just sitting and sleeping. I was on the verge of throwing up, with people staring at me and wondering what the hell, and who the hell pukes in the middle of the street, at 8 am on Saturday.
Yes I was embarrassed. Very much so, thank you. But decided to just ignore all and continue.
Still running behind the silly boy, I was thinking ''Well here I am now, running like an idiot, my boobs bouncing loose, my hair all messed up, face red and irritated, and I am actually feeling OK. I don't care much. And so far only bad thing was that nearly-puking incident, but even that is just fine. I am finally growing up! I don't care what people think of me! Yeeeeey! When, out of nowhere, my first crush ever appeared in front of me.

Yes I know the unexpected always happens when you least need it, but this was seriously too much for the day.Why? Well..

There is one thing about me. I was not much into boys until my high school, even then I only had 2 crush 'situations', one of them ending really bad and humiliating. And there 'it' was, in front of me, 10 years later.
Why it ended bad? Well, as I said, I was not much into boys. I was 'into' them, with my fists and teeth and claws.. I was a tomboy. And just when I decided it's time I became a girl and started dressing and acting like one, I fell for that boy, one year older than me, handsome like hell and not into me at all. Worst thing was, he found out about it from a talkative friend of mine and he was apparently laughing his brains out about that. Even worse, he publicly mocked me once for it. So I slapped him, got over him slowly and painfully and decided to not ever again even look at another guy. As if that would stand for a long.

Anyways, here we are now, him as handsome as possible, me.. damn it..
I should have seen this coming.
So he says hi and I stare at him, my brains going ''What to do what to do what to do'' and it just hit me..
Who the hell is he anyway?
So I pretended not to recognise him.
''Umm.... Sorry.. Cannot recall''
-''X. We went to same high school. I was.. Blah blah grade, friends with blah blah..''
''Ohh yea, I remember now!'' Well nice to meet you, X, long time no see. Hows life?''
And it went on and on, all in same cordial and businesslike mood, n then he goes
''Aw it's so nice to see you after so many years, and must say you haven't changed a bit..''
Oh shit.
Here we go all over again.
And, thinking should I punch him again and move on, with my cousin impatiently sending signals we need to hurry, I almost overheard the ending of the sentence
..''still as cute and charming as always''
Dude, are you seriously going to mock me all over again?
''I really liked you back in highschool ok.. But I liked your tomboy phase more than that girly looks one.. So I mocked you. Am sorry. And that slap was an earned one. Ah we were so silly back then, real kids....blah blah..''
Damn it fool, we were 18 and we were not kids and.. wait what? You liked me? Hmm.. Ok...
So I smiled and listened for another minute, then interrupted:
''Hey, really sorry, we are in  a situation here, gotta run. But it was nice seeing you again definitely. And well.. I knew you liked me in my tomboy phase. I always knew that. Just..I was over it and you din't like me any more.. So I kinda thought you must be gay or bi.. I was still same person no matter how I dressed.. So I.. teased you too.. pretending I had a crush on you. No hard feelings. We were just kids back then..You aren't gay, right? OK, great seeing you again, gotta run, see ya''
And I kept on running. And smiling. Took 10 years to get that one sorted out, but finally it happened. And really,I am same person no matter what I look like. Even with this.. unusually loose looks today, I was still myself. So day turned to be just great. We managed to finish all we planned in time, I got to sort out something that hurt me long ago.. So much win!

Moving on and away

 Mom never believes me I can remember clearly things from back when I was just a baby. She says someone must have told me all that or I am just imagining. But I do remember things noone could have told me. Like the day my brother was born, when I was only two. There were few neighbours in my home on that day, waiting for the happy news, mom and dad were at the hospital, and I was clueless. Just sitting there wondering what the hell is going on. One of neighbours asked me what I want, brother or sister, and I started crying and responded I will run away from home. Only one of these ladies is alive today, and once I asked her about this to prove my mom I am not making it up, and she said ''Oh my dear, yes, how could I forget it, we all laughed our hearts out, you silly thing!'' - See, mom, see?? I knew it really happened.

Now I started to forget things from recent past. Like the wedding day of my brother. And I was perfectly sober. Bachelor's party I remember clearly, although I was drunk. Or the first day in Belgrade, some 8 years ago. Or the following entire year, making new friends at the university, lonely days away from my family, first freshmen parties.. All gone in deep fog.
I remember one thing that kept me going on trough these few first years at the university. It was the firm decision to finish with studies, get my university diploma and just go back home. Mother told me back then ''You will see, you will never wish to come back, that's just what you are saying now, but in few years you will forget about that idea and go as far as possible''. And now I wish she was wrong.

After dad died and some other things happened, I really ran away from home. Thought staying away will reduce painful memories. But it never did. So I decided to stop hiding and come back. And here I am now, surrounded with my dear and loving ones, blessed with adorable nephew whom I love most in the world, but something inside me is still pushing me to go. And that something is keeping me restless for months now.

Whenever I am away, I miss my family badly. But whenever I am home, I miss living alone. Not that we fight or anything like that. I just enjoy being alone. Getting used to long lonely years ahead, probably. And I really don't understand this contradiction at all.

Few years ago some old man offered to read my palm. And told me I will never be happy. Whatever decision I make, I will regret it. And whatever option I am offered, I will regret  not choosing the other one. I kinda started to believe in all that.

But i decided to go. Still half exam left to reach my goal. Took long enough. And no excuses stand. Normal people would fight harder when life tries to break them. All I did was backing down and hiding inside my little safe world, like a snail. And, with a snail's speed, I resumed after recovery. Now, as soon as all is done, I will go. I might regret it, well actually, I am sure I will.. But let's see. It will be easier to regret now, than to regret for not trying when I am old..er.. I used to say I will always be 16. I kinda feel 61 lately. But it could just be due to incredibly harsh and long winter this year. God knows how much I hate winters since 6 years ago...

Motivation in a mirror

Keep your head up high, you silly girl. Let me see that smile, or you completely forgot how to do that? Your eyes are so sweet when they smile, and it reminds of something pure and ancient, some innocence and honesty human kind lost along the way, that left only traces in the smiling eyes of a child. Is it possible you lost that too? I know life is not easy on you, I know people are not fair, but keep your head up high and put the smile back on.. Rediscover that child in you, the child that was happy and playful, that knew nothing about love and adulthood and life.. That child which only knew butterflies and flowers and dolls. Did you forget all that? Did you allow all the problems to change you? Forget them all for just one moment. Forget problems and people, words that hurt you, actions that made you cry, forget there is anything else in this world except you, your doll house and some sweet childhood rhymes your mommy used to sing for you...
..And nothing that surrounds you carries any unpleasant memories. No sorrow in these words ringing in your ears. It's not that hard to forget it all, right? And to give the world your widest smile. And to just keep on walking with your head up high, chasing butterflies with your gaze, seeing tomorrow as a distant, distant future that doesn't bring any changes except different colour little dress and a headband to match.
  Pain can wait, my dear girl. There is never lack of it in anyone's life. But at least delay it all and for just one day be 9 again. Otherwise you will forget who you really are. Your smile will die and your heart will burst, your soul will never return back from where it is gone now. You will turn into these people you always feared you might be: cold, emotionless, with face expressions carved in stone, pockets always in need of more money and deep despise for the rest of the human kind. People that wake up early, go to their jobs, say few routine words to all, come back home, eat and sleep. And only thing that makes them smile is seeing someone else make a fool out of themselves. Just be yourself and leave all the pain hidden under piles of plush toys for just one day..
  Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow is so far away. Don't think will you be laughing or crying, will you move on or get stuck to the past, will they try to humiliate you or you will rise and shine, don't think how it's going to be, will you live or die.. All that really matters is this day now... So keep your head up high and smile..

Heart in art

During my not so long and not precisely fulfilled and well organised and active life, I found heartbreaks extremely useful. And by heartbreaks I mean all situations that happen to a random mid-twenties (oh how I lie.. late-twenties) girl that can upset her and/or make her shed a few tears, be it a real life breakup, imaginary life issues or just whatever I think or suppose or believe had hurt me, although it just might not be really the way I think it is. And these are all useful in giving a boost to my other, artistic, gentle self.

Whenever my feelings get hurt, or my emotional life fails, or just.. how to explain it.. I don't get a chance to show my feelings, I write or paint. Or scream out loud random Serbian swear words ( God, we have so many of these) to my own mirror reflection. Not so creative, must admit, but refreshing and liberating it surely is.

And I find it surprising how calm I am while writing or painting, though moments before I was most likely freaking out, with a storm of unspoken inside me. ( Also storm of hits and bites and punches, with just a touch of clear and calm common sense that never ever manages to force me to count to 10 before I go crazy).

And then I grab my notebook and all the passion and anger just fade. I wish I could say they change their form from meaningless emotion into a written/painted masterpiece, but honestly they only make a mediocre prose or painting. But still they are good. Especially when compared to my 2 year old nephew's work of art.

Still it is all well. There is no improvement without practice, and no practice without inspiration. And no, I am not asking for more heartbreaks. I just found a way to use them.

Just missing

God knows what I would do without this blog.. Probably whine day and night to my closest friends. And eventually make them run away for good.. So I come here and emotionally discharge, so then I can pretend I am normal, calm and reasonable.
So today is one of these days I am not myself. Today all I want is to be hugged for hours in deep silence, just feeling secure and loved. Today is six years since my dad died. And I still live trough this day in pretty much same way as then.
We went to visit his grave today.. Snow over one meter, cold and windy.. And now I got bad headache, just like every year, no matter what the weather is like.. But we laughed today.. Even mom did. Wind spilled one of our glasses of our dear national drink rakija over dad's grave.. So my uncle was like ''See? He misses boozing.. Even after six years he still wants a drink n he just spilled all with no time to drink slowly and enjoy..'' Yeah, not some joke alright, but we actually laughed. First time after so so long. Still it didn't change the emptiness I feel inside, each time I think of him.
And in bad need of a hug, I came online to just laugh at silly status updates of my Facebook friends, to hope my best friend will make time and manage to come online, and to just stare at people's pictures randomly.. Creepy I am.. But you have to understand.. I am just a child.. 

And Again..

Ruins and disasters and lies and heartbreaks and you and her and some unspoken words melting in mud puddles.. And myself, trying to sneak away after seeing, hearing, feeling all that..  Slowly moving backwards and counting seconds between each step, trying to make their sounds unnoticed.. And I trip on a long glance you give, fall down with my face hitting your helloes and goodbyes, and I scream, scream, scream... '' Hi dear, I am fine, how are you?''

And you laugh, you laugh and I smile like a child after saying something unplanned and silly so adults laugh at its naiveness, and you pretend you didn't even see me seeing, hearing, feeling all that.. You just saw me falling.. Well played, your life role. Well dressed up, with a perfect make up and sweet and sour scented perfume.. Really well played. And I am all covered in damn mud, feeling naked in front of you, shamefully hiding what I don't want you to see.. My poor stupid heart.. An amateur actress indeed, unable to remember dialogue I rehearsed days prior to the meeting, barely pronouncing my own script. But hey, I am a great script writer..
Hopefully that counts at least..

And I am fighting hard not to swallow my pride, but then I notice I stepped on it all over, so it screams in pain, bleeding its last drops of blood into that disgusting mud, and I feel so bad about it but I just cannot help it any more..

And you generously ignore my fall, with a wide cunning smile, and I am just a tiny soaked rabbit waiting for a hunter to pull the trigger of bunch of senseless, feelings deprived, instantly generated words, to shoot and kill that poor excuse for a soul...

Happy Valentines Day..

Dreamland

Have you ever had a dream that instantly changed the way you feel or think about something or someone? Like, you dream about a person you really really like a lot, and the dream just.. shows them in a bad light and you all of a sudden turn the cold shoulder to them? I did. Many, many times.

These dreams somehow proved that subconsciousness was sending signals it is time to chill a bit. To stop idealizing. But I always felt so bad and guilty after these dreams. Like the one I had last night. It still tortures me. And am not sure I will ever be able to forget how bad, how evil I ''saw'' someone dear and important.

My dreams were always such a bloody mess. Like ones about my dad. From the day he died until some 3 years ago, I had dreams that he died.. And I would wake up and cry, saying, OMG, I cannot believe I dreamed about dad dying.. And it would take me half hour sitting in bed staring at a wall to realize he actually died. Can you even imagine this nightmare repeating 3 times a week at least? Sick and tiring, they were.

Actually, I cannot recall having nice, relaxing, pleasant dreams. They were always either serious nightmares or some confusion, random bunch of sounds and faces, with nothing meaningful to remember afterwards. So each morning I get up more tired than I went to sleep. And if I was religious whatsoever, I would certainly pray for no dreams for the upcoming night.

After having dreams about all the people I knew that died, I asked one wise lady what is going on with me, why I have these dreams and what is wrong.. She said I was too close to my dad and cannot accept the fact that he is gone, and that he is probably trying to contact me from out there. Made no sense to me. First of all, where would he try to contact me from? Seriously? Also, knowing him, he would never send some confusing signals. Why did I even bother asking for help, really..

I still sometimes see people I barely knew, long time ago, long dead and  all.. And they all say things like 'Hurry, there is so little time..'' What does that have to do with my dad? Am I simply frightened by death that much that I dream about them warning me and calling me? Or is it true they try to contact me? If this last is true, then seriously, they proved dead are as stupid as alive.. I would be the worst link they could have chosen to communicate trough with the living world.

Due to whatever factor, my dreams suck and I am not hoping for any kind of improvement at that field. Actually all I hope is one night without dreams. Just pure snoring. That's all this girl can wish for.

Hi there

What do you do when there's nothing left to say? When all of a sudden someone who made you smile doesn't even have time to say hi.. And when you don't know how to react.. How do people drift apart? And were they ever close at all?

After carefully thinking about it, when you reach the conclusion it's not you that is paranoid, but it is really happening, is there really anything else left to do but to say bye. Facts are what counts, not sticking to nice memories and hoping it will all be same as before. You just wake up one morning (OK, Sunday afternoon after boozing, but that's not my point) and realize you lost. You didn't lose a wallet or.. a bicycle bell.. you lost a person. And when this person you considered as close as two people can possibly be, can you try and smile it all away?

Yeah, didn't think so.

You go trough several phases.. First one being ''I was just a time-kill, now am boring and it was a normal thing, time to change right...'' Then.. ''No way, no one could have faked I really meant something for that long'' And of course ''Screw this all, am gonna go out and get drunk and tomorrow it will all be better''

When it, as expected, doesn't get any better but, in combination with a serious headache, I'm afraid only worse, you have to accept the fact that it's over.

Living upon sweet memories.. Useless. If you reach the moment where any kind of talk is impossible or you clearly see you are either being avoided or anything you say pisses off that other person, really all you can do is shut up.. You can wait in silence for a while, but if they don't understand your silence and try to fix it, seriously I was right and you know it.

Of course, there comes the time everyone of us needs a silent break. But I am talking about that moment when you start feeling awkward and all your attempts to do anything about it feel weird and.. You know, when you are pushed away and you see it clearly.

Because when a woman cares, she sees all and feels all and hears what is not spoken. Some of us hear the unspoken all the time, but that's where doctors take over.

If the reason for silence is some issue they have, they will  let you know and ask for patience.
If you are boring them to death, they will just show it unintentionally.
If you have nothing more in common and someone else ran along with more in common.. yeah we ladies know when that happens.
And if they are only playing hot and cold, please kick them right there... yes, there.. So what if it hurts, mind games hurt way more.

Either way, hardly anything can be done. All you can do is let it be. You don't want to end up trying to fix it. Because ladies.. It really cannot be and you know it.

Happy New You

People somehow always hope New Year will bring something good and exciting into their lives. As if they are programmed to switch to 'awesome and perfect' since December 31st midnight.

It just doesn't work that way, guys. If your life was rubbish prior to New Year's, there's 99 percent chances it will remain so after the midnight hugs and kisses and best wishes. Just saying. And keeping it real.

Pick any date any time of the year. Focus on it. And change whatever sucks in your life starting that very day. New Years Eve is just not.. suitable for that. You are either drunk and tired the next morning, or too depressed to even move an inch. So pick a day that starts with certain dose of optimism and just go for it. Change it. Change everything. The bloody thing is too short anyways  to just sit and wait.

 And yes I know I am not the best choice of person to give advices since I don't even care to change anything. But that is exactly why I strongly recommend you do it. Because I know the feeling of not being satisfied and I can even say me and that feeling are on first name basis for years now.

So yes, go and do something. New Year's Eve is not the magical wand so don't rely on it much. Just get drunk or sleep it over.

And best wishes. Hope your New You turns to be the happy one.

Still better love story than..

Being all soft and nice and warm and cuddly does not make me a plush toy.. So playing with me and then throwing me away just might not be the best idea...

.. Says this little, confused, silly girl to a guy that uses her more like a doormat than a plush toy but well.. She kinda makes her point here.

But boy simply chooses no to hear this. Why? Because.
Boys like toys. And boys tend to treat everything like toys. Unless you show them teeth and treat them that way. Then and only then they respect you as a human being.

But damn it.. This silly girl only shows her teeth when smiling. And she even does that rarely. So she is kinda trapped here, right? Because she is too weak to cut the crap and say - Hey you asshole, just GTFO of my life alright? If you wanna mess with me, just get lost.

Naaaww.. She can never do that. Why? Because silly girl is in love, of course! And losing him would hurt way more than.. accepting she is doormat and he needs to walk all over her now and then.

No way to help the poor lost soul.. And one day the boy is going to get himself another doormat and just get rid of her.. She is still not aware that this is actually the best thing that can happen to her.

She is actually living in constant fear that this will happen soon. And she cries when he treats her bad, and she cries when she thinks of this option happening.. and she cries when he comes back and sweettalks her to trusting him again..

What is that one word that can be used to describe a girl in love?

Yeah, got it..

Stupid..

Not to mention there's no trace of self-esteem in her whatsoever..



And how you help her? Actually just nodding your head and hugging her would do. Nothing you say can help. Just let her talk and talk and talk... And be silent. She will need you  again when he leaves her for good.

Now that is when you talk.. You tell her it is all gonna be fine, she will find someone who deserves her, she is better off without him anyways..

Just don't even think about saying I TOLD YA SO!

 That is going to provoke some serious crying alright..

...

This entire day just managed to get even worse. And nothing was said or done to or by me... Just the same way as a long forgotten perfume scented after long time or an old picture discovered among almost discarded piles of useless stuff trigger some sweet memories, that same way something unknown triggered that terrible feeling in my mind.. The very same terrible feeling of being nothing at all. Just that. Nothing.

And there is this song I cannot get out of my mind and it only helps making me feel worse. I really never understood people who just see music as.. entertainment. Each and every song out there colors my moods and none of them is easily taken as mere fun for the audience. Now this song is something else. Wakes up feeling of being distanced from the rest of the world. Even some emotions that could be accepted as sad reminiscence of the previous life. Also a lonely one, I can bet that. Or completelly missed.

And all of them that made my last year sad. And all of them that made so many of my years sad. They just keep on appearing, in a long line of my memories, breaking the little island of peace I made for myself with their bare feet...

When you wake up sad, the best thing you can do for yourself is stay in bed. but I had to go to work, didn't I? And I had to let them all remind me of my sad past. And you... You are the worst of them all.. Breaking me all over again. I did give you permission for that, but I really never hoped you will use every chance possible to tore my heart into pieces..

Stupid song..