So many things I wish I knew how to forget.. They just wait for the right time to come back and torture me all over again.
For several nights now I've been experiencing the worst nightmares ever. I open my mouth wide, my teeth start to fall out one by one, and I hand them over to my dad. He is usually smiling and telling me how he's got to buy me fake teeth now because I look terrible.
Simple fear of getting old, my birhtday approaching? I just don't think so.
There are also some half monkey-half cat creatures trying to bite my fingers off and their bites don't even hurt but there is blood everywhere and I cannot seem to get rid of these monsters. Simple explanation- my cat just had babies and they started walking and crying so my nights are not exactly peaceful. And biting my fingers off.. I actually wish I could do it myself, since I cannot reverse time and prevent a facebook disaster romance with a confirmed sociopath. It was supposed to be fun and getting my mind off my sad and crazy life, but it actually complicated everything even more.. Just my luck and there you go World, I said I am bad luck and you didn't believe.. Now you know.
So I woke up from the nightmare last night and suddenly remembered one confusing episode from my childhood. I was eleven, just moved to a new school and one of my classmates started bullying me. She was tall, fat and strong, unlike me. She used to force me do her homework, mock me in front of our class, steal my poems and read them out loud so everyone laughed.. I was never as pathetic as I was at that time. Once she stripped me in front of all the girls during our P.E. hour. I started crying and told her: You will feel so bad when I die.. Of course she laughed again and continue bullying me. But in my own freaky little head I made myself believe I will die young. And I will die at 21 years of age. So there is me, 11 years old, convinced I will die soon because I was not made to sustain this world's cruelty.. No wonder I burned all the poems I wrote at that period of my life.
Ten years later I was still alive, with this episode and the fat girl bully far away behind me, but my dad died. And now, almost 7 years later, I remembered it all..
Was this all just a really scary coincidence or I somehow anticipated or even caused it? Yes it is silly to think I am responsible for what happened but what is this really?
Blaming myself for his death due to stupid childhood idea is really meaningless, but cannot sop thinking about it all day..
I usually play the blame game on my own self.. Whatever bad happens to me, I somehow find it my fault. It's either I should have known better or I could have reacted in a different way or I provoked it or I caused it.. But the truth is, some things just have to happen and you cannot do anything to change them. And sometimes such creepy coincidences will make you believe you are responsible. And they burn like scratches, scarring your soul for ever. But you have to accept it, I guess. And fight hard to forget it all.
One thing I learned, meeting all kinds of situations and two-faced people and sad events is: past has to stay past. If you allow a situation, a person, a painful reference to your past to enter and become a part of your present, it will screw up your future. If you remember something that hurt you in the past.. You have to get rid of it.
But again, that is so easy to say..
For several nights now I've been experiencing the worst nightmares ever. I open my mouth wide, my teeth start to fall out one by one, and I hand them over to my dad. He is usually smiling and telling me how he's got to buy me fake teeth now because I look terrible.
Simple fear of getting old, my birhtday approaching? I just don't think so.
There are also some half monkey-half cat creatures trying to bite my fingers off and their bites don't even hurt but there is blood everywhere and I cannot seem to get rid of these monsters. Simple explanation- my cat just had babies and they started walking and crying so my nights are not exactly peaceful. And biting my fingers off.. I actually wish I could do it myself, since I cannot reverse time and prevent a facebook disaster romance with a confirmed sociopath. It was supposed to be fun and getting my mind off my sad and crazy life, but it actually complicated everything even more.. Just my luck and there you go World, I said I am bad luck and you didn't believe.. Now you know.
So I woke up from the nightmare last night and suddenly remembered one confusing episode from my childhood. I was eleven, just moved to a new school and one of my classmates started bullying me. She was tall, fat and strong, unlike me. She used to force me do her homework, mock me in front of our class, steal my poems and read them out loud so everyone laughed.. I was never as pathetic as I was at that time. Once she stripped me in front of all the girls during our P.E. hour. I started crying and told her: You will feel so bad when I die.. Of course she laughed again and continue bullying me. But in my own freaky little head I made myself believe I will die young. And I will die at 21 years of age. So there is me, 11 years old, convinced I will die soon because I was not made to sustain this world's cruelty.. No wonder I burned all the poems I wrote at that period of my life.
Ten years later I was still alive, with this episode and the fat girl bully far away behind me, but my dad died. And now, almost 7 years later, I remembered it all..
Was this all just a really scary coincidence or I somehow anticipated or even caused it? Yes it is silly to think I am responsible for what happened but what is this really?
Blaming myself for his death due to stupid childhood idea is really meaningless, but cannot sop thinking about it all day..
I usually play the blame game on my own self.. Whatever bad happens to me, I somehow find it my fault. It's either I should have known better or I could have reacted in a different way or I provoked it or I caused it.. But the truth is, some things just have to happen and you cannot do anything to change them. And sometimes such creepy coincidences will make you believe you are responsible. And they burn like scratches, scarring your soul for ever. But you have to accept it, I guess. And fight hard to forget it all.
One thing I learned, meeting all kinds of situations and two-faced people and sad events is: past has to stay past. If you allow a situation, a person, a painful reference to your past to enter and become a part of your present, it will screw up your future. If you remember something that hurt you in the past.. You have to get rid of it.
But again, that is so easy to say..
Belgrade Time
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