How I Met My Soulmate

Kids... Well the story about soulmates is  probably best explained by Plato's theory about the original humans with four arms, four legs, one head with two faces, humans that were so powerful that they got Zeus intimidated so he split them in halves and condemned them to spending their lives here on Earth in search for their other half in order to become complete. And, according to some more beliefs and theories, these souls were of opposite sexes, of course.
After few disappointments and failures, I got really confused. First I believed my other half got lost on the way down to Earth. As Terry Pratchett perfectly explains it in his ''Sourcery'' regarding inspiration, when poor Creosote gets us familiar with his, um, well lame excuse for poetry, that inspiration is out there in air, but often misses to hit the right cerebral target, so instead of hitting someone tallented, the inspiration for a great poem hit him, who could do nothing about bringing it out the right way. Well that is exactly what I thought had happened to my soulmate.. And I started accepting the sad fact that it inhabits a random wooden bench in some long forgotten park of  a mental hospital in Switzerland, instead of a slightly tanned, muscular, tall and not much hairy male human body out there somewhere.
Then I thought '' No way i am that much of a bad luck. It is out there, just probably playing hide and seek or it is that great and perfect and amazing.. it just has to be hard finding it!'' So it was ''challenge accepted''.
So this last time I actually felt something for a guy.. I really thought ''Yes, this is IT. Finally!'' because he really was something else, you know.. Something I needed like I need air, something I loved more than myself.. Something that made me so happy in such a short time I was really scared it will end soon. And it did end. Why and how.. Maybe I better leave it in the fog. Still hurts and God knows when it will stop.
Now I finally gave up. I am not Ted Mosby, though I intentionally sound like him this time, and I do not believe there are no chances I will end up alone, and after all I went trough, I somehow believe I actually am supposed to stay on my own, and no man could just love me and accept me with all my burden.. Anyways I came to terms with it.
But then I remembered this one person I know and love so deeply, and I realized it's not about me.. It's just a slight mistake in the theory.. Soulmates don't have to be of opposite sexes or involved in a romantic love.. And yes I do have my soulmate.
Kids, I had friends and friends... And over time, I lost most of them. Many got married, few unfortunately died, and others... we just figured out we have nothing in common. So I was left with only a few close friends, still missing that one person that understands me without using a dictionary or even asking multiple questions to reach the root and reason of my current state of mind. And I found her by chance.
I was still recovering from my life's worst tragedies and I was suggested by my good friend and therapist to try social networks and games... And I did. And I met this charming lady, always so nice and sweet, and we started chatting more and more... I finally, after really long long time, opened up completely to another human being without listening being a part of her job and without me paying for it. And I am still not sure she knows just how much she helped me.
One day we decided to talk, to hear each other's voices for the first time. We spent 5 hours just laughing and crying, not saying much. And I was not at all surprised to hear her laughter. It is same as mine. My ex was in the room, so I asked him to hear her voice, and he smiled and said- you laughing in exactly the same way.. and your voices are similar. Wow! Think you found your twin sister. And boy was he right.
Soon it was impossible to imagine a day without saying hi to her. And soon I would come to find out we are both major bad lucks, so we started whining and crying to each other.. Well to be honest, I am the one that whines all the damn time. And I finally know what it's like to have a sister. I always wanted that. I abused my poor brother's mind for years, and he did same to me, me pretending he is my sister, him imagining I am his brother.. but it's just not the same really.. We couldn't say all to each other. At least I couldn't.
No matter how far and how busy life is, she is always there for me. And nothing helps like talking to her. Now, two years after we met, we are looking forward to meeting in person. As soon as I am done with my exams, I will search for a job in her country, in her city. And will pray hard my bad luck sleeps until then, so my plane does not crash or zombie apocalypse starts or aliens abduct me for research on female stupidity and naiveness...
So kids.. Love comes and goes. Some lucky ones find their eternal love and spend their happily ever afters just the way fairytales suggest they are supposed to be. Many more live in a lie that their love life is a fairytale and that occasional murder attempts are just.. tiny misunderstandings. Some of us, like me, the female Rincewind, good for nothing and constantly confused,  never find the one to love and cherish until death do us part... But at least I was lucky to find that special someone I will always be able to share my sorrows with, and hope and pray we share happiness instead. Thank you for being my soulmate, jaan. In all the chaos that currently represents my life, I am still a very happy person. I have you.

Smile, spring is here

Good morning, spring! Finally.
Each and every year I just try to live trough winter.. Season I used to adore. And now I hate it with all my heart. Must be due to the inevitable ageing process...
Noone can ever convince me that the World will not end this year. Why? Ok, have you been outside these days? Especially if you are in Serbia.. A month ago temperatures were below -20 degrees Celsius. Now they are around +25. Normal? Yep. Not at all.
Of course, I am sick, my nose is running like mad, fever and headache keeping me awake. I just cry and whine. And a wild thought appears out of nowhere..

I am 28 and I spent at least 4 years of my life just crying about being sick.

That has to stop right away.

So I am going out today. Taking my nephew to my favorite place around here- a nice, calm, beautiful forest.
Hopefully he will like it as much as I do. And, once he is older, it will be his hideout, a place where he will build his first fortress, bow and arrow, kick asses of neighbourhood boys.. No wait.. that was me.. He will kick girls probably.. Ah who am I kidding? It's been years since any kid went there to play. Why would they anyways? They got PCs now. Poor creatures..

Well... I will just hope and pray he has a great childhood, just like his aunty and dad had.. This place is perfect for raising kids. Still is.
Off to embrace spring. Soon enough I will get busy with my garden too. So many things to keep my mind away.. Thank God.

Some photos I took last spring and summer.

Just a regular day of mine.. Kinda..

I have just a few relatives here in my home place, and we are all very close due to that fact.  They are mainly from mom's side of family. Dad's family is mostly from and in Montenegro. So my two closest relatives after my brother are my two cousins, sons of my maternal uncle, boys aged 18 and 16.
On 2nd of April is the older one's 18th birthday. And that is one hell of important day here. That is when you turn to adult. Well, legally you do, what goes on in your head is a different story alright. I am still far away from that moment and really happy for that.
Last night he called pretty late to ask me accompany him today all bloody morning and help him arrange all for the party. And main reason for this is a law here, where a young, fresh driver cannot drive without a supervision of someone who owns driver's licence for at least 4 years. And well, you cannot expect a young man to ask his dad to go with him. No ways.
So I accepted and went to bed same moment. Needed to get up really early. But of course, got my headache back. Just cannot get rid of headaches for past week or so. And I fell asleep around 4 this morning.
And just few short hours later, he storms into my room screaming ''Get up lazyass, we are in a serious hurry here!''
Allrighty. Here we go.
''Hold on dear, lemme just pick up my body parts n we are on our way. Now go tell your aunty to make us some coffee''
-''No time for coffee, we will have coffee in town somewhere, COME OOONNN!!''
Damn.
Alright.
So I get up, eyes still closed and crawl to the closet to pick up some clothes. And I forgot to mention me and my sister in law sometimes borrow each others clothes. Just like two little girls. She borrows my 'serious' stuff for serious and official occasions, and I borrow hers for well.. walks with friends. She is all girly and pinky and shiny type of girl so.. You can imagine her stuff.
I grabbed first stuff I reached and went to take shower. Still sleepy, no coffee to wake me up, I somehow managed to get ready in 10 minutes and we were on our way.
Half way to the town, some 3 kms, he tells me main entrance to it, the bridge, is closed for some works. I suggested taking some of other 3 possible ways, but he insisted we leave car some 1 km away before town because it is the shortest way and his car is in pretty bad condition so he is scared to go in the town since it is Saturday and road repair in progress so police will be more present than on any other day. Ahh alright, as you wish.
And we did as he wanted. So, finally almost awake, I found myself walking, actually running trying to catch up with my cousin. Oh and did I mention that this boy is 6 ft 6 (202cm) tall and still growing? God knows where he will stop. And I am 5 ft 3 (164cm), the shortest offspring of my entire family, so obviously my legs are significantly shorter. And, since we were in a hurry, he was walking really fast. And talking to himself, thinking he is talking to me, only realizing I am far behind when he wouldn't get a response, so he would stop and wait.  You can tell we are related, indeed.
So half running half walking, trying to catch my breath, I became aware I am not wearing a bra. And I am actually wearing my sister in law's pink T-shirt with Minnie Mouse application all over it, with no makeup whatsoever, not even some protection for my hypersensitive skin and sun is shining like crazy, so I am turning red and face already burns, and I am wearing my tights and sneakers, and I obviously forgot to wear socks. To cut it short, I look like hell. I wouldn't ever leave my room looking like this, let alone go book a cafe and DJ for the party, and shop entire morning.
Well there was no way back, so I was just 'ah what the hell, as if I care' and continued running.

After we finally reached our first destination for the day, and successfully completed the task, I started caughing like crazy, in the middle of the street, as the consequence of early morning run and few months of just sitting and sleeping. I was on the verge of throwing up, with people staring at me and wondering what the hell, and who the hell pukes in the middle of the street, at 8 am on Saturday.
Yes I was embarrassed. Very much so, thank you. But decided to just ignore all and continue.
Still running behind the silly boy, I was thinking ''Well here I am now, running like an idiot, my boobs bouncing loose, my hair all messed up, face red and irritated, and I am actually feeling OK. I don't care much. And so far only bad thing was that nearly-puking incident, but even that is just fine. I am finally growing up! I don't care what people think of me! Yeeeeey! When, out of nowhere, my first crush ever appeared in front of me.

Yes I know the unexpected always happens when you least need it, but this was seriously too much for the day.Why? Well..

There is one thing about me. I was not much into boys until my high school, even then I only had 2 crush 'situations', one of them ending really bad and humiliating. And there 'it' was, in front of me, 10 years later.
Why it ended bad? Well, as I said, I was not much into boys. I was 'into' them, with my fists and teeth and claws.. I was a tomboy. And just when I decided it's time I became a girl and started dressing and acting like one, I fell for that boy, one year older than me, handsome like hell and not into me at all. Worst thing was, he found out about it from a talkative friend of mine and he was apparently laughing his brains out about that. Even worse, he publicly mocked me once for it. So I slapped him, got over him slowly and painfully and decided to not ever again even look at another guy. As if that would stand for a long.

Anyways, here we are now, him as handsome as possible, me.. damn it..
I should have seen this coming.
So he says hi and I stare at him, my brains going ''What to do what to do what to do'' and it just hit me..
Who the hell is he anyway?
So I pretended not to recognise him.
''Umm.... Sorry.. Cannot recall''
-''X. We went to same high school. I was.. Blah blah grade, friends with blah blah..''
''Ohh yea, I remember now!'' Well nice to meet you, X, long time no see. Hows life?''
And it went on and on, all in same cordial and businesslike mood, n then he goes
''Aw it's so nice to see you after so many years, and must say you haven't changed a bit..''
Oh shit.
Here we go all over again.
And, thinking should I punch him again and move on, with my cousin impatiently sending signals we need to hurry, I almost overheard the ending of the sentence
..''still as cute and charming as always''
Dude, are you seriously going to mock me all over again?
''I really liked you back in highschool ok.. But I liked your tomboy phase more than that girly looks one.. So I mocked you. Am sorry. And that slap was an earned one. Ah we were so silly back then, real kids....blah blah..''
Damn it fool, we were 18 and we were not kids and.. wait what? You liked me? Hmm.. Ok...
So I smiled and listened for another minute, then interrupted:
''Hey, really sorry, we are in  a situation here, gotta run. But it was nice seeing you again definitely. And well.. I knew you liked me in my tomboy phase. I always knew that. Just..I was over it and you din't like me any more.. So I kinda thought you must be gay or bi.. I was still same person no matter how I dressed.. So I.. teased you too.. pretending I had a crush on you. No hard feelings. We were just kids back then..You aren't gay, right? OK, great seeing you again, gotta run, see ya''
And I kept on running. And smiling. Took 10 years to get that one sorted out, but finally it happened. And really,I am same person no matter what I look like. Even with this.. unusually loose looks today, I was still myself. So day turned to be just great. We managed to finish all we planned in time, I got to sort out something that hurt me long ago.. So much win!

Moving on and away

 Mom never believes me I can remember clearly things from back when I was just a baby. She says someone must have told me all that or I am just imagining. But I do remember things noone could have told me. Like the day my brother was born, when I was only two. There were few neighbours in my home on that day, waiting for the happy news, mom and dad were at the hospital, and I was clueless. Just sitting there wondering what the hell is going on. One of neighbours asked me what I want, brother or sister, and I started crying and responded I will run away from home. Only one of these ladies is alive today, and once I asked her about this to prove my mom I am not making it up, and she said ''Oh my dear, yes, how could I forget it, we all laughed our hearts out, you silly thing!'' - See, mom, see?? I knew it really happened.

Now I started to forget things from recent past. Like the wedding day of my brother. And I was perfectly sober. Bachelor's party I remember clearly, although I was drunk. Or the first day in Belgrade, some 8 years ago. Or the following entire year, making new friends at the university, lonely days away from my family, first freshmen parties.. All gone in deep fog.
I remember one thing that kept me going on trough these few first years at the university. It was the firm decision to finish with studies, get my university diploma and just go back home. Mother told me back then ''You will see, you will never wish to come back, that's just what you are saying now, but in few years you will forget about that idea and go as far as possible''. And now I wish she was wrong.

After dad died and some other things happened, I really ran away from home. Thought staying away will reduce painful memories. But it never did. So I decided to stop hiding and come back. And here I am now, surrounded with my dear and loving ones, blessed with adorable nephew whom I love most in the world, but something inside me is still pushing me to go. And that something is keeping me restless for months now.

Whenever I am away, I miss my family badly. But whenever I am home, I miss living alone. Not that we fight or anything like that. I just enjoy being alone. Getting used to long lonely years ahead, probably. And I really don't understand this contradiction at all.

Few years ago some old man offered to read my palm. And told me I will never be happy. Whatever decision I make, I will regret it. And whatever option I am offered, I will regret  not choosing the other one. I kinda started to believe in all that.

But i decided to go. Still half exam left to reach my goal. Took long enough. And no excuses stand. Normal people would fight harder when life tries to break them. All I did was backing down and hiding inside my little safe world, like a snail. And, with a snail's speed, I resumed after recovery. Now, as soon as all is done, I will go. I might regret it, well actually, I am sure I will.. But let's see. It will be easier to regret now, than to regret for not trying when I am old..er.. I used to say I will always be 16. I kinda feel 61 lately. But it could just be due to incredibly harsh and long winter this year. God knows how much I hate winters since 6 years ago...

Motivation in a mirror

Keep your head up high, you silly girl. Let me see that smile, or you completely forgot how to do that? Your eyes are so sweet when they smile, and it reminds of something pure and ancient, some innocence and honesty human kind lost along the way, that left only traces in the smiling eyes of a child. Is it possible you lost that too? I know life is not easy on you, I know people are not fair, but keep your head up high and put the smile back on.. Rediscover that child in you, the child that was happy and playful, that knew nothing about love and adulthood and life.. That child which only knew butterflies and flowers and dolls. Did you forget all that? Did you allow all the problems to change you? Forget them all for just one moment. Forget problems and people, words that hurt you, actions that made you cry, forget there is anything else in this world except you, your doll house and some sweet childhood rhymes your mommy used to sing for you...
..And nothing that surrounds you carries any unpleasant memories. No sorrow in these words ringing in your ears. It's not that hard to forget it all, right? And to give the world your widest smile. And to just keep on walking with your head up high, chasing butterflies with your gaze, seeing tomorrow as a distant, distant future that doesn't bring any changes except different colour little dress and a headband to match.
  Pain can wait, my dear girl. There is never lack of it in anyone's life. But at least delay it all and for just one day be 9 again. Otherwise you will forget who you really are. Your smile will die and your heart will burst, your soul will never return back from where it is gone now. You will turn into these people you always feared you might be: cold, emotionless, with face expressions carved in stone, pockets always in need of more money and deep despise for the rest of the human kind. People that wake up early, go to their jobs, say few routine words to all, come back home, eat and sleep. And only thing that makes them smile is seeing someone else make a fool out of themselves. Just be yourself and leave all the pain hidden under piles of plush toys for just one day..
  Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow is so far away. Don't think will you be laughing or crying, will you move on or get stuck to the past, will they try to humiliate you or you will rise and shine, don't think how it's going to be, will you live or die.. All that really matters is this day now... So keep your head up high and smile..