Mom never believes me I can remember clearly things from back when I was just a baby. She says someone must have told me all that or I am just imagining. But I do remember things noone could have told me. Like the day my brother was born, when I was only two. There were few neighbours in my home on that day, waiting for the happy news, mom and dad were at the hospital, and I was clueless. Just sitting there wondering what the hell is going on. One of neighbours asked me what I want, brother or sister, and I started crying and responded I will run away from home. Only one of these ladies is alive today, and once I asked her about this to prove my mom I am not making it up, and she said ''Oh my dear, yes, how could I forget it, we all laughed our hearts out, you silly thing!'' - See, mom, see?? I knew it really happened.
Now I started to forget things from recent past. Like the wedding day of my brother. And I was perfectly sober. Bachelor's party I remember clearly, although I was drunk. Or the first day in Belgrade, some 8 years ago. Or the following entire year, making new friends at the university, lonely days away from my family, first freshmen parties.. All gone in deep fog.
I remember one thing that kept me going on trough these few first years at the university. It was the firm decision to finish with studies, get my university diploma and just go back home. Mother told me back then ''You will see, you will never wish to come back, that's just what you are saying now, but in few years you will forget about that idea and go as far as possible''. And now I wish she was wrong.
After dad died and some other things happened, I really ran away from home. Thought staying away will reduce painful memories. But it never did. So I decided to stop hiding and come back. And here I am now, surrounded with my dear and loving ones, blessed with adorable nephew whom I love most in the world, but something inside me is still pushing me to go. And that something is keeping me restless for months now.
Whenever I am away, I miss my family badly. But whenever I am home, I miss living alone. Not that we fight or anything like that. I just enjoy being alone. Getting used to long lonely years ahead, probably. And I really don't understand this contradiction at all.
Few years ago some old man offered to read my palm. And told me I will never be happy. Whatever decision I make, I will regret it. And whatever option I am offered, I will regret not choosing the other one. I kinda started to believe in all that.
But i decided to go. Still half exam left to reach my goal. Took long enough. And no excuses stand. Normal people would fight harder when life tries to break them. All I did was backing down and hiding inside my little safe world, like a snail. And, with a snail's speed, I resumed after recovery. Now, as soon as all is done, I will go. I might regret it, well actually, I am sure I will.. But let's see. It will be easier to regret now, than to regret for not trying when I am old..er.. I used to say I will always be 16. I kinda feel 61 lately. But it could just be due to incredibly harsh and long winter this year. God knows how much I hate winters since 6 years ago...
Now I started to forget things from recent past. Like the wedding day of my brother. And I was perfectly sober. Bachelor's party I remember clearly, although I was drunk. Or the first day in Belgrade, some 8 years ago. Or the following entire year, making new friends at the university, lonely days away from my family, first freshmen parties.. All gone in deep fog.
I remember one thing that kept me going on trough these few first years at the university. It was the firm decision to finish with studies, get my university diploma and just go back home. Mother told me back then ''You will see, you will never wish to come back, that's just what you are saying now, but in few years you will forget about that idea and go as far as possible''. And now I wish she was wrong.
After dad died and some other things happened, I really ran away from home. Thought staying away will reduce painful memories. But it never did. So I decided to stop hiding and come back. And here I am now, surrounded with my dear and loving ones, blessed with adorable nephew whom I love most in the world, but something inside me is still pushing me to go. And that something is keeping me restless for months now.
Whenever I am away, I miss my family badly. But whenever I am home, I miss living alone. Not that we fight or anything like that. I just enjoy being alone. Getting used to long lonely years ahead, probably. And I really don't understand this contradiction at all.
Few years ago some old man offered to read my palm. And told me I will never be happy. Whatever decision I make, I will regret it. And whatever option I am offered, I will regret not choosing the other one. I kinda started to believe in all that.
But i decided to go. Still half exam left to reach my goal. Took long enough. And no excuses stand. Normal people would fight harder when life tries to break them. All I did was backing down and hiding inside my little safe world, like a snail. And, with a snail's speed, I resumed after recovery. Now, as soon as all is done, I will go. I might regret it, well actually, I am sure I will.. But let's see. It will be easier to regret now, than to regret for not trying when I am old..er.. I used to say I will always be 16. I kinda feel 61 lately. But it could just be due to incredibly harsh and long winter this year. God knows how much I hate winters since 6 years ago...
Belgrade Time
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