Losing it

A guy approached me today after work, while I was sitting all alone in this sweet little coffee shop and enjoying a moment of perfect ignorance about the existence of the rest of the world.. I was having my ' Yes I am pissed off and very hurt and need to be left alone and enjoy' coffee, wearing matching face expression, when I caught a glimpse of a.. male human with a huge smile approaching. Never understood why is it that at the very moment you need noone around and very obviously showing it, someone thinks its a perfect moment to flirt with you. He was like ' I couldn't help but notice you are all alone and kinda sad so decided to cheer you up a bit'.

-Wow.. Great observing skills indeed. Shoot. Cheer me up.

Now the charmer was obviously unprepared for my response..I guess I was supposed to smile back and thank him. Of course, it just added up to my already destroyed mood. And my poor hurt ego.

-I was just having a nice conversation here and you interrupted me. And that is very rude. Have a great day.

I got up and left.


Yes, I was having a nice long conversation with myself and honestly, it was already turning into a fight when the dude interrupted it.

Should have actually thanked him. I hate arguing with myself. I always lose.

How do I explain to someone that hurting me is not a sport or that kind of activity you can choose to be your hobbie... Yes, I can understand it can be fun, and if one is really weird, it can actually give so much pleasure, I guess.. But seriously, every day?

I am not human.
Or a friend.
Or a lover.

I am someone whos feelings matter just as much as eating habits of a frog would matter to a mechanic... You get the point.


And is there any place in this town I can just sit all alone with my thoughts without anyone reminding me I am all alone and sad and mad?  I know that all very well...

Meet me online

The other day I met an old friend and spent few hours in a most unusual conversation. We discussed online dating.
In fact, she is in a virtual relationship for about 7 months now and she's never been happier. And no, its not just a flirt. She is really serious about it.

The guy is currently in USA but his family is from her town. He spent one summer here, 2 years back, and thats how they met.. After that summer they started chatting, slowly but steadily started spending hours and hours together, finally resulting in them spending each and every free moment online. Some 7 months ago he actually told her he is in love and asked if she would be his girlfriend.. And she only waited for that itseems.

And so their love saga started. Without a kiss, without  holding hands or a hug.. And I really admire them both. She is here, faithful and waiting for him to come back (hopefully) next summer to finally kiss his girl, and he is all loving and caring and sweet. How on Earth do these relationships last, when even ones with physical contact go to hell after a while, without even knowing why? Makes you believe in destiny..

I tried to joke about it, just to see how she reacts.. Told her the only reason its working is because he is away, no need to fight well known qualities of men- laziness, obsession with football, video games and beer with friends... Hes not bothering her with these, he is using all the time they spend together to show her how much he loves her, to sweet talk her till she faints... Then it crossed my mind.. This relationship works because they actually talk.. They talk, get to know everything about each other, to show emotions in some more creative way than just.. smooching. They talk because thats all they can do, and it actually is the best thing they can do.

So, good side of an online relationship is that all the time they spend together is quality time. Of course, they probably argue and fight sometimes, who doesn't.

Bad side? Many. After a while, a relationship without physical contact is, well.. condemned to fail. Also.. You can never be sure what you hear is truth. Never. Not even talking to your family. And let alone internet lover. Its so much easier to lie on Internet, right. No way you can get caught. At least thats what many think. The truth is, every lie gets revealed eventually. Other bad side... What happens when you finally meet? Good thing about these two is they already saw each other before. But what happens when you see someone for the first time, after having an online romance with them? Nevermind the looks this time, but will the chemistry you had work 100 percent after you meet? Or you get confused.. disappointed.. whatnot.

Another thing.. What happens with these that actually never meet in real life? How do they break up? Something like ''I'm so sorry honey, but I think we should start chatting with other people.'' Or ''Its not you, its me ok.. I just know you deserve a better online lover, someone who can make you laugh out loud at his messages..'' Or '' I met this girl, you know...Chatting with her makes me feel like never before in my life.. We have this weird chemistry going on, even typing same things at same time We still can be friends, just not on Facebook, she is bit jealous. We can hang out at Orkut, noone uses it anyways today so she won't come to know''...


 Donno.. sometimes online dating seems so pointless and silly. And falling for someone you actually never met. But on the other hand, how much do we know about people we meet in real life and fall for them? Not much really. And now this all thing with online dating actually seems same as dating in reality. Physical contact excluded. Which can also have good sides, if you come to think about it. At least for a while.

Something just makes me end this girly style ( guess its the fact I am a girl)
No matter if you meet online or in reality, it is all same.. If you found your soulmate, it makes no difference really. All you have to do is be yourself, believe in destiny, give all you can, learn to be patient and listen and talk.. And of course, keep dreaming and that dream just might come true. What matters is that you love each other and fight for your love. So you will eventually get rewarded by finally hugging the one you 'virtually' fell in love with.

P.S. This all does not apply if your significant other played the role so well you were not even aware, until the final moment of meeting, that he was in fact a 13 year old fatso WoW addict. Or an elderly gentleman with hell lot of grandkids and boring wife, and free time and some serious typing skills. Or a serial killer. Or an alien. Unless you are seriously open- minded.

Runaway muse

Long time since I wrote any verse that actually makes sense... Whole process is still same- that strange feeling starts growing inside me, I grab my pen and notebook and write, write.. and.. Ohh my God, what the Hell! Whyyyyyyy? Why me?  And what on Earth did I just write down?

Seems I lost the touch with the arrival of the real life issues. Or my muse just.. took off until further notice. Without informing me in the first place.

I wrote my first poem when I was 5. And I was rushed into publishing a book by my dad's  friend at the age of 12. After he personally edited all my childish and innocent verses and ( how it hurts still) even changed some verses to what he thought they should be, I spent few years deeply embarrassed and away from writing.

Took few years to allow my feelings form lyrics again. And once I started, I just could not stop. I wrote like never before. And it all lasted for a long time, leaving heaps of notebooks filled with poetry, influenced by my growing-up, by tragedies, by great memories, Baudelaire, Byron, several Serbian poets and long Serbian winters.

Now I am blank. What I write not even I can understand. And in no ways can my poetry be ( out of mere sympathy and good intentions)  proclaimed Avant-Guarde and hence.. not usual.. It is plain trash and waste of time for both reader and writer.

And all I want to know is where the hell is my muse these days? Stuck in traffic? Commited suicide? Or also busy with her real life.... Is it a He or a She anyways?

Maybe the real life job of my muse is.. energy- consuming to the limits where she forgets I exist after coming back from office... Don't know..

Dew drops

Today I went to visit my father's grave. It's been a long time since I went and already started to feel guilty and ashamed. That one hour spent there talking to his tombstone gave me thoughts to dwell upon for the rest of the day.
I am still wondering how is it possible to love someone not even seeing them for so many years. Being aware you never ever will see them again. And how is it possible that this love remains one of strongest emotions you are capable of.
The pure, child's love for a parent, best friend, protector and advisor, who is no more.
Then I remembered all the people in my life who I never saw in person and probably never will, and whom I love so deeply.  Isn't it practically the same? And it is as true and real as my love for my dad.
So love does not need presence, physical one. Or touch, or hug. It continues to exist under any circumstances, if it is true.
Although I am not very much religious, I had a conversation with my priest once on the 'afterlife' matter. He explained it all as the Bible explains, all the 'Devil-Angel' whatnot, and told me my dad is in Heaven now, watching me from above and smiling upon me. Sorry, but hard to believe my dad would be in Heaven. And he would have hated it anyway.. All the non-drinking rules, no loud music and all.. I prefer my dad's best friend's explanation about the existence of another dimension where all the souls are and my dad laughing about our stupid and pointless tears after he died.. 'He is actually very much amused and trust me, one day we will be there together drinking beer and he will mock me forever for crying like a little girl at his grave' he said.. From the priest's deeply religious and dad's friend's deeply drunken and saddened explanations, no sane and reasonable person would manage to draw any meaningful conclusion. But now I know it.. There is afterlife, and each one of us lives after death. Not in Hell or Heaven, but in hearts of our dear ones. My dad still lives because we love him so deeply and remember him and talk about him every day.. 
 And not being able to hug him or tell him how much I love him does make me sad, but I think he knows all that, no matter where he is..

After dad died I was for long time frightened by the thought of losing people I love. But pushing them away and distancing did not make me feel better. And after he died I survived more terrible punches. And somehow managed to stay half sane. Now I am almost completely back to being me. With a few deep scars but hey.. Scars don't hurt much. And are part of growing up. And yes, we all grow up in different ways and with different experiences.. So we would have good topics for long conversations, I guess..
Someone very important to me told me I should be practical. But how can one be practical after surviving so many tragedies and still be able to trust and love people? Being betrayed and abused back in time would make the present me locked away from the rest of the world. So,  instead of choosing practical, I chose emotional, being aware I could easily get hurt again. I got back to being close with my dear ones, even managed to fall in love, met great new friends... Took a lot of time but it was worth it. Somehow life without love seemed pointless. More pointless than it usually is.
So I love, people that are here and people that are away, and it makes me perfectly happy just to love them.

Countdown

It is always so hard to start talking on one subject  when there's thousands of things you have on your mind and all of them scream for attention. At the same time. Thats where headaches come from.
Write, delete, write, delete... And did I mention all my personalities are trying to type at the same time too? Yeah, that too.. So.. Will be hard to say much.
Today I am just like yesterday, and same I will be tomorrow. Tired of silence and annoyed by noise. Leaving all my demons behind and going for the new bright future. At this age its like... wow, I kinda expected I would be all settled down and mother of 3 by now. Guess my sad past is responsible for avoiding that burden. So yes, I do agree all bad things have a good side too and everything happens for a reason. I would be a terrible mother, thats for sure.
Today I am in love with the world. This happens rarely, something like Halley's comet, so really it is a great reason to celebrate. Dear all, I sincerely, truly, madly, deeply love you, no matter what, who, how or where you are, in which suspicious manners you earn your bread or how often you beat up your significant other. I am neverminding the fact that you Do not love thy neighbour, that you swear in front of your kids, that you neglect your parents and abuse drugs. Today I simply love you with all my heart. And just in case I get a heart-attack any time soon, it will be because of too much love.
Today I am so lonely, surrounded by my loving and caring family, friends, and the rest of the Earth's population that I, you guess, love with all my heart today. This happens often, something like.. Breathing.
And if all this makes any sense at all, you just might be my soulmate. Keep it for yourself though, am perfectly happy with having noone but my multiple personalities around.
And my cats.
They just always seem to understand.