The Beauty of a Painkiller

Amazing how tiny mistakes can just... turn your entire life upside down... You choose your field of interest, your high school/college/university, it shapes your entire life including the circle of friends, work and living place.. You decide you are too lazy to go for a job interview, you miss the chance of your life.. You miss a bus because you overslept, the one you take crashes.. Oh I've  had my share... But have to love the sad- and- funny ones.. Like, when you decide you don't yet need to go to the dentist, postponing the inevitable, and then your bloody tooth starts hurting like hell just when you are getting ready to go out with that super cute guy you keep running into every 10 years of your life... Face all swollen, head pulsating, stuck to bed.. Now you'll never know.. Well, unless he's still hot in ten years. You won't be anyway, but hey, you've got your charisma. That will do.. Maybe.

Worst thing about the damn tooth ache is... Oh well where do I start.. You see, siblings always share this special bond, something that only they can understand or feel or see.. Me and my brother? Well, too many things- the twisted sense of humor, deep despise towards Turkish pilav, Serbian folk music and politics in general, then crazy, crazy love for motorcycles and BMW cars, finishing each others' sentences, singing out loud the song the other one imagines, and.. Simultaneous toothaches. Yeah. Every single time.
So the worst thing about the damn toothache was that he warned me in time, just few hours before I was getting ready to go out, when we talked (His toothache started off a bit before mine due to the time zone differences, I guess.. He is in Russia at the moment so I assume that was what it's all about). So he complained and I just kept on getting ready and boom- my rotten tooth nuked my head.

Now I was already way too pissed off to go to the dentist (Did I mention we are both stubborn beyond any reason? Yeah, that too), so that one tiny piece of my mind not yet affected by pain, but certainly not that functional either, decided we stay at home and we fight the pain like a man, nope, like an adult woman we are. Yeah! Just adult. Not responsible, obviously.

Soooo.. I ended up in bed, cancelling my date, stuffed with painkillers. The reason for cancelling I gave was... umm.. slightly different than the facts. I was kinda embarrassed to say 'Hey, some other time OK, I just cannot make it, my head is all swollen since my wisdom tooth went nuts on me and I was too lazy to go get it out'. Kinda 'Dog ate my homework' material, right? So I said I had a bad cold and high fever and all.. Barely pronouncing it due to the combined effect of pain and the painkillers helped sound sick. I AM sick. Just different sick. Bye, take care.

At least I got to imagine it all. A perfect date indeed. I actually felt free of all the fear and the guy turned out to be not only hot, but smart and funny as well. Proved me there are men that are worth the trust, effort and a bit of sacrifice... Walked me home in perfect silence, just holding my hand, not trying to chat me up on such a perfect night with clear skies and just enough cold it feels better if we walk as close to one another as it is possible without merging into one pile of human.. something..

Whatever drugs mum gave me to help with the toothache.. They are just perfect. And sweet. And work like a charm.

Missing Laziness

I cannot remember the last time I spent a day all alone, and lately my  house looks more like a train station waiting room than a home. Reason? Well, reasons, actually. The first one being winter. Approaching rapidly, bringing so many holidays (seriously, does any other country have this many? I sincerely doubt it.) and leaving my always nosy neighbours with nothing better to do but to pay daily visits to each other, including my mother who rarely goes anywhere so they feel obliged to do their best and drag her into that 'circle' of theirs. Luckily she works so they mostly come on weekends or in evenings of work days, but even that is too much. Unless one really wants to know everything, and literally EVERYTHING that has happened recently in our neighbourhood. I skip most parts, only allowing the deaths, births, weddings and divorces section to reach my mind. Gotta keep track of current neighbours.
The other reason are my students. Ah and that reason I don't mind at all! Giving private tuitions to a large group of kids seems to be the best decision I made recently. Since I started with private classes, I only took up to 5 kids at time. But keeping in mind that the elementary school in my vicinity has an uneducated and incapable English teacher, parents started calling me and now I am stuck with dozen kids aged 9 to 13, and each week I get one or two new ones so every day at least 2 kids come by for the hour and half of English.
And thank God most of them are really bright and want to learn. A few among them misunderstood private tuitions for killing time, and a few understood it as a way to improve grades easily, without actually learning, but coming here so I can prepare them for tests and do their homework. And there's one especially interesting boy, to whom I have difficulties explaining things in our mother tongue, let alone English. Others.. Others are just amazing kids that brighten up my days and make me proud of what I do.
With unknown children coming to our home and spending time with me, came another issue. My 3 year old nephew became seriously jealous. Each day, as soon as I walk into my room with a student, he starts crying and screaming and knocking at the door until his mother grabs him and takes him out for a walk or to her room, from where I cannot hear him calling and protesting. After each class, I come to him and try to hug him, but he tells me he is angry and pushes me away. Of course, I pretend to be sad and crying, so he gets all serious, comes to me and hugs me, so we kiss and make up.. And again, and again, each and every day...

Even on rare days free from teaching children, I am not alone. Either my uncle needs me and my mum to help with whatever, or some of my friends show up, or my sis in law needs to  go somewhere so I have to take her there ( note to self- burn your driving licence), or it is someone's birthday, or wedding, or whatever the case might be.. And this goes on for a couple of months now...

I just finished with classes for the day.. I walk into my living room with my student, a 9 year old girl, who is going to wait for her mother to come and pick her up. Two ladies from my neighbourhood are just in the middle of explaining something that happened and that they both have witnessed, but understood in different ways.. My mum nodding politely to both, probably thinking about all the things she planned to do tomorrow after work if she is lucky and these two don't come and visit again.. My nephew very angry at me and his mother, pulling her hair so she would let him go, which is a great risk since he could just try and hit the girl, who is the main reason I was away for so long.. The door bell rings.. My grandparents enter, came to see us, blah blah,  bought me and the boy our favourite chocolates (yes, I am a 28 year old woman and my grandparents still bring be chocolates. Problem?) Everyone greets them, so much noise at the time, now girl being interrogated by neighbours about her parents and grandparents, and boy happily screaming and yelling and no longer angry (candies make you forget everything, for sure), and my head starting to pulsate so I just sneak out to my room and open up my Milka, trying to empty my mind, to be myself, to be WITH ME finally.. And someone knocks at my door..

I just need one day for myself. Just to sit here in complete silence, staring at one spot for few hours, uninterrupted, and be my old lazy self for a while.. Doing that by nights does not count. It has to be during daytime to be recognized as genuine laziness. Anyway I cannot stay up late any more. My students keep me busy from early afternoon until evening so... God I hate growing up. 

A Random Cup Of Coffee

It finally happened few days ago. I finished my studies. All done, no more! And must admit I am still not completely aware of it.

Yeah, might not be such big a deal to all. But then again, to someone who failed at everything in life, to someone who never achieved anything without paying for it with rivers of sweat and tears, to someone who is a stupid whining lazyass.. This is an enormous achievement. A proof that good things do happen.
Don't get me wrong, I know life treats us all in different way and it cannot be a bed of roses to all. Also I am not complaining, I am just stating simple facts. And I probably feel happier after achieving this than people who had it all perfect all the time.
When we started studies, my school friend got an apartment. I lost my dad, my childhood, my innocence.
When she finished studies 4 years ago, she got car, a job and 15 days in Egypt from her family.
I almost fainted at the final exam 4 days ago. Got my mom's tears, a cake from my sis in law and a cup of coffee with my past that repeatedly tries to be my present and future.

Yep. Yet another guy.
He was my friend for a long time. That kind of friend that keeps on flirting with you and claims it was all a joke after you reject him. And he continues after a while. And so on. And so on.
I haven't seen him for 3 years. He moved away from our home town, got a job in Belgrade and rarely visited his folks. So I kinda.. forgot he existed. And yes I feel bad for saying this.

When the first member of our little 'gang' got married some 7 years ago, we were celebrating it drunk and me and another friend made a deal we have babies together if we are both single after 35. He got married some 4 years ago. And this guy.. The guy I met few days back.. He was like 'No way, you should not waste your genes on him. I am better looking, so we should have kids together. Just imagine them, with your brains and my looks, they will be perfect!' I laughed and said 'Ok, Ok, we will make a compromise. If we all are single by 35, I will have both your and his children. And think about it, he is ugly, at least I can do for his progeny is give them some brains, since yours will be successful even with just being good looking'...
And we all went our separate ways.
I sometimes meet others, but I completely lost him out of my sight. And then the Thursday comes..

I am walking towards my University building at 7 in morning, streets still sleeping and quiet and deprived of crowd.. And street car is coming from the opposite direction, being the only thing that spoils otherwise perfect silence. My exam starts at 9, but I arrived by night train so have to wait.. I am trying to figure out where I could go and have my morning coffee, my head is exploding since I haven't slept for a few days and haven't seen, smelled or tasted coffee for past 10 hours so am turning a bit aggressive as an addition to my common state of panic attacks, anxiety, nervous breakdowns and nausea prior to exams... And oh boy, you can imagine how serious this got thanks to the fact that I am about to take my final exam.
And the street car startles me with its siren. My aggressive self starts swearing in silence, and the tram stops right next to me, as if I was cursing out loud.. And the guy driving it jumps out and hugs me tight screaming HEYYY YOUUU!  WTF man? Who th.. Oh MY GOD! Is that really you?? I haven't seen you for ages!

Ok, I admit Belgrade is not some huge metro, but out of 3 million people, I ran into him, so many years later, and just before my exam. Oh well.. Bring it on..

So we talk for a moment or two and agree we should meet after my exam, when his shift also ends, and have a cup of coffee. I am still in my 'danger!' mood, still I manage to utter I will 'call him as soon as I am out' and blah blah blah.. being perfectly aware I will not call him as I don't have his number and.. I am in no mood for small talks and I know it will end with him flirting with me and me saying 'No thanks' and all that same crap...

So he goes away and I walk on towards my destination, forgetting I even met him the moment I entered the building. I went upstairs to check once more the schedule (paranoid or what), and walked out to find a nice spot for my long awaited coffee wake-up. But all of a sudden I get this.. crazy urge to pee, so I went back in, back upstairs to the 3rd floor.. And it was already 8:10 somehow, so I decided to just stay there and wait...
Five minutes before my exam I get a text from an unknown number saying 'I hope I will bring you some luck. Call me after you have nailed it!'
So it's him. And where the hell did he get my cell number, he had the old one, not this one? Nevermind, there she comes carrying my  destiny in her hands, saying 'Good morning!' so cheerfully it makes me want to puke all over the hall..

Just half an hour later I was done. And I am completely honest when I say I have no idea what happened during these 30 short minutes. All I know is, if someone had walked in and asked me about my name, I would have said it was 'Analysis'.

I somehow walked out, still not figuring out where I am and what happened, but my hand takes my cell out of the bag and dials a number.. ' All done here. Nailed it! When you finishing? 11? OK, meet you there at 11:15. See ya'

And so we had that coffee. And came to conclusions we are both same as we were few years ago, I am as gorgeous as always, he is as beautiful as I remember him, we are still immature, Oh, I had a long relationship that sucked all life out of me, 'Oh me too, and trust me I am done with that relationship crap, I cannot understand people who actually get married blah blah blah..'Just same things desperate single people with unsolved issues from the past would say to each other...
But he is not flirting with me in that childish, stupid manner he used to abuse for so many years, ever since we were 19 and drunk most of the time. We talk and talk for few hours, and we are really happy to see each other again.. Yes. I actually was glad to see him now. He did bring me luck, kinda...

So when will I see you again?

And I didn't just back down and make up some excuses, surprisingly.

'I am here on Monday again. So maybe then?'

-'Yup, perfect, same time then, but thank God you won't have an exam so no tension.. You seemed so angry this morning I regretted hugging you that same moment.'

So we meet again on Monday. Oh and we have a wedding to attend. The last member of our gang, my sweet ex-roommate is getting married next weekend. So we will go there as well, together, since all the other friends got husbands and wives to keep them company there. Now, are the two of us pathetic or all the others are.. Depends on your point of view.

And I am glad I got my friend back. Pure friend this time. No flirting involved. And the child deal? I guess we never even imagined we might really end up alone after 35. Now that we are almost 30, remembering that deal seems so scary. 

Sleepy Yet, Brains?

.. Pineapples started to give me some weird rash around my mouth. Just needed that.. An allergy to my absolutely favourite food.  Fell asleep at 11 this night, woke up hour ago hungry like a wolf and having only pineapples on my mind, when I saw one in the kitchen.. My bro came home while I was asleep, brought one pineapple for me, thought of surprising me with my No. 1 breakfast.. Couldn't resist it. Now my face burns.

Seems all things I couldn't resist lately leave me with pain and scars and.. umm.. rash I guess. Literally and figuratively speaking.

That dude left an allergy as well. If you count rage, tears and self- hatred into an allergy. And deep despise towards entire male population of this planet. And shame.

Why him again? Have no clue. I guess because I never talk about him with anyone. And I just remembered him so.. Have to let it out of my system.

Or because I am supposed to sleep since I have so many important things to do tomorrow morning, and my brains decided they need no sleep. So OK then, let's think about some random stupid guy who decided to play a bit with your feelings and managed to turn you into a monster, that same monster you always hated, that stupid girl in love.

God I hate that kind.


You know, the independent, smart kind that all of a sudden manages to fall for an absolute waste of time, falling so low in the process that she forgets who she is, where she is, and how to behave. She switches to sweettalks, pinkish fantasies, displays her emotions like a mad dog released from a chain straight to the abuser's leg, she dreams and loves and gives and believes all lies... Ahh despicable!

Now am fine, thanks. But remembering it all, I felt so ashamed I cannot explain it. Blushing over my own stupidity, with mouth hurting after a delicious and painful dinner, here I am, trying to force myself to sleep, thinking how is it possible someone changes you in an instant, thanking him for being an ultimate asshole so I came back to being me, and damn mosquitoes buzzing around my head creating what they probably believe to be a perfect setting for my weird stream of thoughts.

I really, really need some sleep.

And knowing me, am done remembering him for next 4 or 5 months. Hopefully I can forgive myself by then and there will be no reaction at all next time I remember him. Best medicine ever? Time. And determination. I have both.

It's just that my brains are malfunctioning sometimes and make me suffer for no reason whatsoever. Should have returned them while I still had the chance and asked for new ones.. 

And the Oscar goes to...

Well, me.

Who else.

Whoever wrote my part for this wild Sci-Fi, horror, romantic comedy, tragedy and action mash up, did a great job in making it hard like hell.. But I can handle it all..


Some time ago I gave one of my private tutions students a homework titled 'My Oscar Awards Speech'. The boy loves movies, is very creative and I knew it would suit him. He probably spent hours and hours of his life dreaming about it already, so thought it would bring out the best of his creativity and imagination. And it did. It was the best short story I have ever read that was written by a teenager.

Few days ago, at work, bored with the everyday routine, I started to think what kind of speech would I write in the given situation. Though the speech is not for a movie but for a serial still airing, titled 'My Freakin' Life', it would go something like this:

' Dear all, I will not waste your time by talking about how honoured I am to be here tonight, how happy and lucky to have lasted for so long, blah blah.. since the list of people to thank is very long, so let me just get to the point right now.

I'd like to thank first myself for not breaking apart when it would have been perfectly understandable.
Then I wanna thank my dad for charisma, sense of humour, sarcasm and fantastic ability to hide feelings.
I will next thank my mum for great hair, terribly sensitive skin and gorgeous eyes I got from her.
I also wanna thank my grandma for my name, bad language, big boobs, inclination to obesity and for being the shortest offspring of my family after her.
I have to thank my grandpa too, for not giving me a single gene of Montenegro women, who are famous for their beauty, tallness and attitude. I really needed these, dude.. I would have been at a beauty pageant right now if you were not so scrimpy.
I have to thank my maternal grandparents as well for trying hard to spoil me when all the others tried to raise me a decent child. And for my uncle, the one man I can argue constantly for  hours without a break, and without any hard feelings. He did a great job in replacing my dad at that field.
Then I must thank my childhood friends for still being here though I mistreated them all during my worst crisis. And I have to thank my recent friends for accepting me with all my downfalls  making me happy just by being here and being true.
Not to forget the fake ones as well, they taught me not everything that shines is gold, and you can never be old and wise enough not to misjudge some people. Fuck ya all and have a great life!
I have to thank my brother too, for patiently putting up with all the beating and mistreating while he was still small, and for not killing me when he finally grew stronger and taller than me. And I will thank him and my sis in law together for giving me my nephew, my most precious belonging up to this very moment.
I have to mention my neighbours as well- thank you guys for always knowing what I do, what I should, could or have to do, where I am, with whom, what I need, think, want.. even better and in more detail than I do myself. Really appreciate all the thoroughness.
And I'd like to thank whomever is responsible for designating the entire complex world of feelings, attraction rules, love, infatuation and, ahem, whatever else. Seriously thanks for that crap. As if life was not a complicated role without all that stuff.
And to the dude in charge of karma, fate and such stuff.. Well screw you as well! If you had to bring the wrong men into my life, at least you could have given me a hint about whereabouts of the right one, so I can at least have hope such guy exists, and stop wasting time on low-lives. And if you could have given me all the hard and sad situations to put up with, wouldn't it be logical if a reward was to be met after a while? A small one, just to catch my breath? Thanks!
Aaanyhow... I made it up to here. I handled my role somehow up to now. Hopefully will continue to do so in future episodes as well.  Thank you for this reward, really am flattered. Cheers!

...

Blindfolded and hands tied, it walked right by me, falling and getting up,
My heart.

There it was, exposed and barely breathing, for all to see
for all to mock
for all to point fingers at..

Throw stones at it, it deserves no better
for living a lie,
for loving a lie.
Throw stones and spit, hit with sticks,
it feels nothing anyway,
it might just as well die.
Only let me bury it with dignity
Right here, next to the road
So all that pass by can be warned
and never again tread the same path..

For this is the path of shame, where you hear no sirens or car
all you can hear is cry.. 

Sweet Oblivion

So many things I wish I knew how to forget.. They just wait for the right time to come back and torture me all over again.
For several nights now I've been experiencing the worst nightmares ever. I open my mouth wide, my teeth start to fall out one by one, and I hand them over to my dad. He is usually smiling and telling me how he's got to buy me fake teeth now because I look terrible.
Simple fear of getting old, my birhtday approaching? I just don't think so.

There are also some half monkey-half cat creatures trying to bite my fingers off and their bites don't even hurt but there is blood everywhere and I cannot seem to get rid of these monsters. Simple explanation- my cat just had babies and they started walking and crying so my nights are not exactly peaceful. And biting my fingers off.. I actually wish I could do it myself, since I cannot reverse time and prevent a facebook  disaster romance with a confirmed sociopath. It was supposed to be fun and getting my mind off my sad and crazy life, but it actually complicated everything even more.. Just my luck and there you go World, I said I am bad luck and you didn't believe.. Now you know.

So I woke up from the nightmare last night and suddenly remembered one confusing episode from my childhood.  I was eleven, just moved to a new school and one of my classmates started bullying me. She was tall, fat and strong, unlike me. She used to force me do her homework, mock me in front of our class, steal my poems and read them out loud so everyone laughed.. I was never as pathetic as I was at that time. Once she stripped me in front of all the girls during our P.E. hour. I started crying and told her: You will feel so bad when I die.. Of course she laughed again and continue bullying me. But in my own freaky little head I made myself believe I will die young. And I will die at 21 years of age. So there is me, 11 years old, convinced I will die soon because I was not made to sustain this world's cruelty.. No wonder I burned all the poems I wrote at that period of my life.

Ten years later I was still alive, with this episode and the fat girl bully far away behind me, but my dad died. And now, almost 7 years later, I remembered it all..
Was this all just a really scary coincidence or I somehow anticipated or even caused it? Yes it is silly to think I am responsible for what happened but what is this really?
Blaming myself for his death due to stupid childhood idea is really meaningless, but cannot sop thinking about it all day..

I usually play the blame game on my own self.. Whatever bad happens to me, I somehow find it my fault. It's either I should have known better or I could have reacted in a different way or I provoked it or I caused it.. But the truth is, some things just have to happen and you cannot do anything to change them. And sometimes such creepy coincidences will make you believe you are responsible. And they burn like scratches, scarring your soul for ever. But you have to accept it, I guess. And fight hard to forget it all.

One thing I learned, meeting all kinds of situations and two-faced people and sad events is: past has to stay past. If you allow a situation, a person, a painful reference to your past to enter and become a part of your present, it will screw up your future. If you remember something that hurt you in the past.. You have to get rid of it.

But again, that is so easy to say..

Like a lazyass

Facebook, today all day:
-It's raining again.. And it's really cold outside. That's why I am here all day.

And all the friends I chat with:
-Since when you stay in when it's raining?

Damn it.. All ya guys. I know, I know.. I used to love rain no matter how cold it was outside. Used to walk all day if I had nothing better to do. Like today. Like last month or so. Jobless sucks.
It just feels all my energy, enthusiasm, youth, joy, optimism... went down the drain. My bad, I quit in hope I will get a better one.. And I didn't. So here I am now, 2 weeks away from my final exam, jobless and mindless. And useless. Now that is the worst kind of feeling...
And all of the sudden, le wild mum appears in my room, asking me to go with her for a walk in the rain.. She has day off and wants to enjoy it a little bit. Damn it mum, I currently feel older than your grandmother and might as well admit I look that way too, also very busy feeling sorry for myself turning lazy and ridiculous.
-But hoooneyyyy!!... Sad face.. Childish mum.. Me still unwilling to lift my behind and get outta here..
-Sorry mum.. Some other day.. Am just not in mood right now. Ever. Something.

So she walks out and I go back to staring at that one spot at the wall I always abuse when in this state of both body and mind. Which actually doesn't happen that often, but when it happens, it really really hits hard.
I know she is worried now.. hate causing her worry.. But what else can I do? Usually I am the one who lifts up the Fallen ones.. Cheers up all and forces them to get -out -have -fun -smile -and -enjoy. Of course, when I am moody, noone can help. All give up after one try. And I actually like it. Just leave me the way I am and I will fix myself.
I am not waiting for miracle to happen, I am not asking 'Oh God, why all this shit happens to me, why am I this way now, when will all change..'' All will change when I get up and do something. Soon, I hope. I am just not in the right mood at the moment. And my moment might be.. umm.. just tiny bit longer than the regular one. 

How I Met My Soulmate

Kids... Well the story about soulmates is  probably best explained by Plato's theory about the original humans with four arms, four legs, one head with two faces, humans that were so powerful that they got Zeus intimidated so he split them in halves and condemned them to spending their lives here on Earth in search for their other half in order to become complete. And, according to some more beliefs and theories, these souls were of opposite sexes, of course.
After few disappointments and failures, I got really confused. First I believed my other half got lost on the way down to Earth. As Terry Pratchett perfectly explains it in his ''Sourcery'' regarding inspiration, when poor Creosote gets us familiar with his, um, well lame excuse for poetry, that inspiration is out there in air, but often misses to hit the right cerebral target, so instead of hitting someone tallented, the inspiration for a great poem hit him, who could do nothing about bringing it out the right way. Well that is exactly what I thought had happened to my soulmate.. And I started accepting the sad fact that it inhabits a random wooden bench in some long forgotten park of  a mental hospital in Switzerland, instead of a slightly tanned, muscular, tall and not much hairy male human body out there somewhere.
Then I thought '' No way i am that much of a bad luck. It is out there, just probably playing hide and seek or it is that great and perfect and amazing.. it just has to be hard finding it!'' So it was ''challenge accepted''.
So this last time I actually felt something for a guy.. I really thought ''Yes, this is IT. Finally!'' because he really was something else, you know.. Something I needed like I need air, something I loved more than myself.. Something that made me so happy in such a short time I was really scared it will end soon. And it did end. Why and how.. Maybe I better leave it in the fog. Still hurts and God knows when it will stop.
Now I finally gave up. I am not Ted Mosby, though I intentionally sound like him this time, and I do not believe there are no chances I will end up alone, and after all I went trough, I somehow believe I actually am supposed to stay on my own, and no man could just love me and accept me with all my burden.. Anyways I came to terms with it.
But then I remembered this one person I know and love so deeply, and I realized it's not about me.. It's just a slight mistake in the theory.. Soulmates don't have to be of opposite sexes or involved in a romantic love.. And yes I do have my soulmate.
Kids, I had friends and friends... And over time, I lost most of them. Many got married, few unfortunately died, and others... we just figured out we have nothing in common. So I was left with only a few close friends, still missing that one person that understands me without using a dictionary or even asking multiple questions to reach the root and reason of my current state of mind. And I found her by chance.
I was still recovering from my life's worst tragedies and I was suggested by my good friend and therapist to try social networks and games... And I did. And I met this charming lady, always so nice and sweet, and we started chatting more and more... I finally, after really long long time, opened up completely to another human being without listening being a part of her job and without me paying for it. And I am still not sure she knows just how much she helped me.
One day we decided to talk, to hear each other's voices for the first time. We spent 5 hours just laughing and crying, not saying much. And I was not at all surprised to hear her laughter. It is same as mine. My ex was in the room, so I asked him to hear her voice, and he smiled and said- you laughing in exactly the same way.. and your voices are similar. Wow! Think you found your twin sister. And boy was he right.
Soon it was impossible to imagine a day without saying hi to her. And soon I would come to find out we are both major bad lucks, so we started whining and crying to each other.. Well to be honest, I am the one that whines all the damn time. And I finally know what it's like to have a sister. I always wanted that. I abused my poor brother's mind for years, and he did same to me, me pretending he is my sister, him imagining I am his brother.. but it's just not the same really.. We couldn't say all to each other. At least I couldn't.
No matter how far and how busy life is, she is always there for me. And nothing helps like talking to her. Now, two years after we met, we are looking forward to meeting in person. As soon as I am done with my exams, I will search for a job in her country, in her city. And will pray hard my bad luck sleeps until then, so my plane does not crash or zombie apocalypse starts or aliens abduct me for research on female stupidity and naiveness...
So kids.. Love comes and goes. Some lucky ones find their eternal love and spend their happily ever afters just the way fairytales suggest they are supposed to be. Many more live in a lie that their love life is a fairytale and that occasional murder attempts are just.. tiny misunderstandings. Some of us, like me, the female Rincewind, good for nothing and constantly confused,  never find the one to love and cherish until death do us part... But at least I was lucky to find that special someone I will always be able to share my sorrows with, and hope and pray we share happiness instead. Thank you for being my soulmate, jaan. In all the chaos that currently represents my life, I am still a very happy person. I have you.

Smile, spring is here

Good morning, spring! Finally.
Each and every year I just try to live trough winter.. Season I used to adore. And now I hate it with all my heart. Must be due to the inevitable ageing process...
Noone can ever convince me that the World will not end this year. Why? Ok, have you been outside these days? Especially if you are in Serbia.. A month ago temperatures were below -20 degrees Celsius. Now they are around +25. Normal? Yep. Not at all.
Of course, I am sick, my nose is running like mad, fever and headache keeping me awake. I just cry and whine. And a wild thought appears out of nowhere..

I am 28 and I spent at least 4 years of my life just crying about being sick.

That has to stop right away.

So I am going out today. Taking my nephew to my favorite place around here- a nice, calm, beautiful forest.
Hopefully he will like it as much as I do. And, once he is older, it will be his hideout, a place where he will build his first fortress, bow and arrow, kick asses of neighbourhood boys.. No wait.. that was me.. He will kick girls probably.. Ah who am I kidding? It's been years since any kid went there to play. Why would they anyways? They got PCs now. Poor creatures..

Well... I will just hope and pray he has a great childhood, just like his aunty and dad had.. This place is perfect for raising kids. Still is.
Off to embrace spring. Soon enough I will get busy with my garden too. So many things to keep my mind away.. Thank God.

Some photos I took last spring and summer.