Similar to weight losing programs, we start with:
1. Drink lots of water.
Possibly at work, especially if the nature of your job does not allow you to leave your working area (i.e. chair) for straight 6-8 hours. Of course, if you are completely determined to cause yourself some pain, you can do it at home, too. Now, think of yourself, relaxing at the seaside, with waves gently touching your feet. And, when you start feeling a desperate need to go pee, close your eyes once again and..swim. Soon enough you will feel rapidly growing pain in your belly, and your bladder will start screaming for help. Once you reached the critical point of nearly-did-it-in-my-panties, you should go to the nearest ladies' room. As fast as you possibly can.
2. Wear high heels in winter.
Of course, if your winter means heaps of snow and icy pavements. If you are an expert for high heels,only walking will not do, so try running. I can guarantee you that, after falling down and hitting your head or springing your ankle, you will feel enourmous pain for quite a while.
3. If your car won't start, hit it with your foot.
And possibly try hitting tires with your toes. More pain will be caused if you repeat the procedure several times a day.
4. Allow your 2 year old child/ niece/ nephew to comb your hair.
Works absolutely perfect on curly hair. If your hair is straight, try messing it up a little bit before you try this method.
5. Sore throat and smoking/ drinking Coca Cola.
Works perfectly. Probably even better if you combine the two. And low neckline is a must. Yo might even end up in hospital, but the pain you will feel is completely worth it.
6. Sewing for dummies.
If you can actually sew, this is just not the right method for you. If you are new to this field, do give it a shot. Half hour sewing should leave your fingers bloody and your entire being will be owerflown with pain.
7. Get up in middle of the night and walk with lights off
No matter how familiar you are with your bedroom, this method is showing results after 5 to 10 minutes of practice. If you think you know your way around your bedroom too well for this to work, go out, visit the rest of your house too. Avoid kitchen, because we only want to get some pain, and risking a suicide really is not according to rules.
8. C and C - Comedy and Coffee.
This procedure will give astonishing results, but you do need to be really, really lucky to get it working.
Step 1: Find one movie that made you laugh uncontrollably.
Step 2: Make yourself some coffee.
Step 3: Sit on your bed with your legs bent under your body.
Step 4: Play the movie.
Step 5: You need to hold your cup of coffee in front of you, somewhere half way between your knees.
Step 6: Rewind to the funniest scene while the coffee is still hot.
Step 7: Relax..
The moment you start laughing uncontrollably, you will forget the cup you are holding. Unconscious body movements during the very process of laughing will cause coffee spill. If you are lucky, the hot liquid will burn your knees and other nearby parts of body. If you are EXTREMELY lucky, coffee will even reach your face.
9. Go trough your purse without looking at it.
Just use your hand. There are 99% chances your purse contains some sharp metal object, like tweezers, needles, pins, pocket knives. So dig in and enjoy!
10. Fall in love with egomaniac/narcissist/sociopath.
This method might be useless in inflicting you physical pain, but the emotional breakdown is guaranteed. And for the ladies that plan on long- term self-hurting, advice is to marry one of the above. Some thorough planning might even lead to making him beat the hell out of you, so there is the physical pain as well!
*No animals were hurt while these methods were in the test- phase. And I am quite allright now, thank you.
If the methods above do not satisfy your need for pain, I can only recommend a brick wall.
1. Drink lots of water.
Possibly at work, especially if the nature of your job does not allow you to leave your working area (i.e. chair) for straight 6-8 hours. Of course, if you are completely determined to cause yourself some pain, you can do it at home, too. Now, think of yourself, relaxing at the seaside, with waves gently touching your feet. And, when you start feeling a desperate need to go pee, close your eyes once again and..swim. Soon enough you will feel rapidly growing pain in your belly, and your bladder will start screaming for help. Once you reached the critical point of nearly-did-it-in-my-panties, you should go to the nearest ladies' room. As fast as you possibly can.
2. Wear high heels in winter.
Of course, if your winter means heaps of snow and icy pavements. If you are an expert for high heels,only walking will not do, so try running. I can guarantee you that, after falling down and hitting your head or springing your ankle, you will feel enourmous pain for quite a while.
3. If your car won't start, hit it with your foot.
And possibly try hitting tires with your toes. More pain will be caused if you repeat the procedure several times a day.
4. Allow your 2 year old child/ niece/ nephew to comb your hair.
Works absolutely perfect on curly hair. If your hair is straight, try messing it up a little bit before you try this method.
5. Sore throat and smoking/ drinking Coca Cola.
Works perfectly. Probably even better if you combine the two. And low neckline is a must. Yo might even end up in hospital, but the pain you will feel is completely worth it.
6. Sewing for dummies.
If you can actually sew, this is just not the right method for you. If you are new to this field, do give it a shot. Half hour sewing should leave your fingers bloody and your entire being will be owerflown with pain.
7. Get up in middle of the night and walk with lights off
No matter how familiar you are with your bedroom, this method is showing results after 5 to 10 minutes of practice. If you think you know your way around your bedroom too well for this to work, go out, visit the rest of your house too. Avoid kitchen, because we only want to get some pain, and risking a suicide really is not according to rules.
8. C and C - Comedy and Coffee.
This procedure will give astonishing results, but you do need to be really, really lucky to get it working.
Step 1: Find one movie that made you laugh uncontrollably.
Step 2: Make yourself some coffee.
Step 3: Sit on your bed with your legs bent under your body.
Step 4: Play the movie.
Step 5: You need to hold your cup of coffee in front of you, somewhere half way between your knees.
Step 6: Rewind to the funniest scene while the coffee is still hot.
Step 7: Relax..
The moment you start laughing uncontrollably, you will forget the cup you are holding. Unconscious body movements during the very process of laughing will cause coffee spill. If you are lucky, the hot liquid will burn your knees and other nearby parts of body. If you are EXTREMELY lucky, coffee will even reach your face.
9. Go trough your purse without looking at it.
Just use your hand. There are 99% chances your purse contains some sharp metal object, like tweezers, needles, pins, pocket knives. So dig in and enjoy!
10. Fall in love with egomaniac/narcissist/sociopath.
This method might be useless in inflicting you physical pain, but the emotional breakdown is guaranteed. And for the ladies that plan on long- term self-hurting, advice is to marry one of the above. Some thorough planning might even lead to making him beat the hell out of you, so there is the physical pain as well!
*No animals were hurt while these methods were in the test- phase. And I am quite allright now, thank you.
If the methods above do not satisfy your need for pain, I can only recommend a brick wall.
Belgrade Time
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