Today I went to visit my father's grave. It's been a long time since I went and already started to feel guilty and ashamed. That one hour spent there talking to his tombstone gave me thoughts to dwell upon for the rest of the day.
I am still wondering how is it possible to love someone not even seeing them for so many years. Being aware you never ever will see them again. And how is it possible that this love remains one of strongest emotions you are capable of.
The pure, child's love for a parent, best friend, protector and advisor, who is no more.
Then I remembered all the people in my life who I never saw in person and probably never will, and whom I love so deeply. Isn't it practically the same? And it is as true and real as my love for my dad.
So love does not need presence, physical one. Or touch, or hug. It continues to exist under any circumstances, if it is true.
Although I am not very much religious, I had a conversation with my priest once on the 'afterlife' matter. He explained it all as the Bible explains, all the 'Devil-Angel' whatnot, and told me my dad is in Heaven now, watching me from above and smiling upon me. Sorry, but hard to believe my dad would be in Heaven. And he would have hated it anyway.. All the non-drinking rules, no loud music and all.. I prefer my dad's best friend's explanation about the existence of another dimension where all the souls are and my dad laughing about our stupid and pointless tears after he died.. 'He is actually very much amused and trust me, one day we will be there together drinking beer and he will mock me forever for crying like a little girl at his grave' he said.. From the priest's deeply religious and dad's friend's deeply drunken and saddened explanations, no sane and reasonable person would manage to draw any meaningful conclusion. But now I know it.. There is afterlife, and each one of us lives after death. Not in Hell or Heaven, but in hearts of our dear ones. My dad still lives because we love him so deeply and remember him and talk about him every day..
And not being able to hug him or tell him how much I love him does make me sad, but I think he knows all that, no matter where he is..
After dad died I was for long time frightened by the thought of losing people I love. But pushing them away and distancing did not make me feel better. And after he died I survived more terrible punches. And somehow managed to stay half sane. Now I am almost completely back to being me. With a few deep scars but hey.. Scars don't hurt much. And are part of growing up. And yes, we all grow up in different ways and with different experiences.. So we would have good topics for long conversations, I guess..
Someone very important to me told me I should be practical. But how can one be practical after surviving so many tragedies and still be able to trust and love people? Being betrayed and abused back in time would make the present me locked away from the rest of the world. So, instead of choosing practical, I chose emotional, being aware I could easily get hurt again. I got back to being close with my dear ones, even managed to fall in love, met great new friends... Took a lot of time but it was worth it. Somehow life without love seemed pointless. More pointless than it usually is.
So I love, people that are here and people that are away, and it makes me perfectly happy just to love them.
I am still wondering how is it possible to love someone not even seeing them for so many years. Being aware you never ever will see them again. And how is it possible that this love remains one of strongest emotions you are capable of.
The pure, child's love for a parent, best friend, protector and advisor, who is no more.
Then I remembered all the people in my life who I never saw in person and probably never will, and whom I love so deeply. Isn't it practically the same? And it is as true and real as my love for my dad.
So love does not need presence, physical one. Or touch, or hug. It continues to exist under any circumstances, if it is true.
Although I am not very much religious, I had a conversation with my priest once on the 'afterlife' matter. He explained it all as the Bible explains, all the 'Devil-Angel' whatnot, and told me my dad is in Heaven now, watching me from above and smiling upon me. Sorry, but hard to believe my dad would be in Heaven. And he would have hated it anyway.. All the non-drinking rules, no loud music and all.. I prefer my dad's best friend's explanation about the existence of another dimension where all the souls are and my dad laughing about our stupid and pointless tears after he died.. 'He is actually very much amused and trust me, one day we will be there together drinking beer and he will mock me forever for crying like a little girl at his grave' he said.. From the priest's deeply religious and dad's friend's deeply drunken and saddened explanations, no sane and reasonable person would manage to draw any meaningful conclusion. But now I know it.. There is afterlife, and each one of us lives after death. Not in Hell or Heaven, but in hearts of our dear ones. My dad still lives because we love him so deeply and remember him and talk about him every day..
And not being able to hug him or tell him how much I love him does make me sad, but I think he knows all that, no matter where he is..
After dad died I was for long time frightened by the thought of losing people I love. But pushing them away and distancing did not make me feel better. And after he died I survived more terrible punches. And somehow managed to stay half sane. Now I am almost completely back to being me. With a few deep scars but hey.. Scars don't hurt much. And are part of growing up. And yes, we all grow up in different ways and with different experiences.. So we would have good topics for long conversations, I guess..
Someone very important to me told me I should be practical. But how can one be practical after surviving so many tragedies and still be able to trust and love people? Being betrayed and abused back in time would make the present me locked away from the rest of the world. So, instead of choosing practical, I chose emotional, being aware I could easily get hurt again. I got back to being close with my dear ones, even managed to fall in love, met great new friends... Took a lot of time but it was worth it. Somehow life without love seemed pointless. More pointless than it usually is.
So I love, people that are here and people that are away, and it makes me perfectly happy just to love them.
Belgrade Time
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